Whole Lotta Love

so well, this post has been long due

In my last post i had shared about how 2015 was the year of health scare and some much needed wake up calls. And of course about meeting N :-)

if you are 30 & single, then most likely 3 things will happen to you- a) you will have become extremely cynical about love b) you will have become extremely desperate for love c) you will have become overtly cynical about love, while secretly pining for it. (disclaimer-exceptions applied)
with much embarrassment i confess that i belonged to the third group. oh how i frowned upon any idea of love, and yet that had been my most consistent prayer. if my thoughts on love were, well, confusing then my thoughts on marriage were the mother lode of it. to marry or not to marry was the big question! to add to the confusion, it wasnt really like i had hordes of suitors pursuing me. after meeting some suitors i swear i put off the idea of marriage to a great extent.

to cut a long story short, i met Nikhil at new year's eve in 2014. together we rung in the new year , without realizing that in that year we would end up getting hitched together. surprisingly marriage was the last thing on my mind when i met him- or even in the early few months of our courtship. it started with just having the comfort of reaching out to someone with even the most banal thought in mind. and just like that things were never the same again.
"love & marriage" are big words, seems like too much work- commitment, responsibility,passion, respect to name a few. a role u wld be signing up for- only to be paid in kind (mostly), and promotions in terms of motherhood, with the most sketchy profile and seriously long hours (including graveyard shifts), perks of having no life outside of it, literally & and a team member who comes as a collateral, with strict no exchange/return clause. No wonder its feared so much!
But the beauty of "love& marriage" lies in the basics of it (i realized that when i started sharing every stupid information with N), it lies in the comfort it brings with it- even in my current extremely F& U phase (fat and ugly), N makes me feel lovely. it lies in the promise of waking up every morning feeling loved. and before you know it, the cynicism you had so painstakingly nurtured abandons you, only to be replaced by the much despised mush.
did love "save my soul" clearly no (not sure if there was any saving required), but it definitely set me free (sorry for the cliche)

ps:- "love & marriage" to be read as love and/or marriage.

Not in the pink of health

Its been exactly one year since i was diagnosed with a serious illness last year. Around this time last year, on a chance visit to Mumbai, my mom was shocked to see the weight gain on me. I was so busy being a corporate slave that i did not know and could not exactly pinpoint when i had moved from a natural 50 kgs to a ballooning 55 kgs. I blamed it on unhealthy lifestyle, late work hours, too much stress and what have you. But pursuant as my mom is, she ensured that i atleast saw a general physician to get a view. initially i thought it was really silly, like what would i say the nature of my illness was- weight gain?! thats a malaise every single girl in the world suffers from. little did i know that that one casual visit to the doctor(casual from my side for sure) would lead to the discovery of an illness which i had not shown any symptoms of so far. doctors were surprised that i was walking around all fine, running no temperature etc.

The days of last February passed in a haze for me. Rushing to the hospital everyday, endless tests, CT Scans, endoscopy and the works, made me realize how small my life is, and yet how valuable. Evenmore jarring was the realization of how little had i cared for it. i remember having a very active life, hitting the gym regularly till 2012. so basically in just a span of 3 years i had neglected my body so much that it was struggling to cope up with my daily demands of it.

March 15th was when my diagnosis was completed and I was formally put on a nine month treatment. i requested for time off from work and decided to move back to Delhi to be closer home.

As the treatment progressed, i started gaining even more weight (which apparently was a very good sign as per my doctor!). aside from the weight gain i was also crippled with joint pains, particularly knee pains owing to which i was largely confined to the four walls of our Rajinder nagar flat. 

The physical discomfort was something i was learning to deal with, but the emotional discomfort was most scarring. Everytime i looked at myself in the mirror, i squirmed. I just knew that this wasnt me. But then,where as the real me? When did i begin to lose myself? the illness sure was a wakeup call for me.

Today, a year hence, while my medication is over, i m still reeling from the after effects of it (last i checked, i weighed 64 kgs). I cant seem to find the girl i used to be. i yearn to connect with her again, long to be in her skin again. but then i fear what if its not only a matter of weight gain/loss. what if i m just not that person anymore? Guess, only time will tell- but first, lemme lose some weight.   

How time flies- Part 3

The third and final part of chronicling last 2 years  is really about my work life in Citi, and life outside Citi, @ Siffin Solah. The first year with my organisation was um, Meh types! Nothing much happened. I met some amazing people though, Girish, Bidisha and so many OTRC folks.

The second year was, well a desperate cry to someone/anyone to save my life! I began my stint in people managing role in March 2014. Even 7 years of experience in banking could not prepare me for what awaited me there. Everyone seemed to be in some inane rush, like always! Tempers were quick to fly. My style of managing was mostly too soft, passive and ineffective, in comparison. those days, I felt like I was failing everyday. Work life balance had reduced to just a fictitious idea. Once again, I got cornered into doing dirty work that nobody cared to do. One great learning of this phase was that crazy begets crazy! Quite often one found oneself bordering on crazy ideas, crazy timings, crazy environments…just everything crazy. Nothing made sense anymore. I remember being tired always! And Lord, how I dreaded month ends!

Outside of office, life at Siffin was ‘Chill’. Got a chance to meet a lot of young people, smitten with the world of fashion, glamour, fame or all three…..i eagerly looked forward to Game Nights @ Siffin. Then of course there were several crazy house parties. People commonly featuring in these were:- Harsh, Daniel, RJ, Parvati, Shweta, and ofcourse people from Shweta/Parvati’s own group of friends.  Siffin was a different experience for me actually. I was used to being with people who were academically driven, with banking or IT kind of domain. In contrast to it,, everyone I met at Siffin happened to be from creative field. Barring Parvati, nobody gave a care about what was happening in the world around them. It was a happily-disconnected-from -world,-yet happy- being- themselves kind of group! Great to meet such people …

To conclude the final part, the unthinkable happened to me. I had really given up all hopes of meeting someone in my life. But 2015 New Year’s eve opened a new chapter for me, quite literally. Having run out of any place to go, I ended up at a friend’s place to bring in the new year….and that’s where I met N. little did I know that the friendship that began that night would take the turn that it eventually did. To be honest, I didn’t take N seriously for the longest time. And I think he wasn’t serious about it too….it was just casual hanging out, spending time together, going for coffee (to Trident), going for walks (to Joggers) kind of a thing. Around that time, N was obsessed with the idea of going back to Gurgaon for some reason. I wanted to dissuade him from it, request him to stay in Mumbai, that I hadn’t gotten to know him yet to start long distance anything…..but I could not. And he moved anyway.

How time Flies- Part 2

April 2013, I returned to India with a fancy job in tow and an education loan glaring in face. Needless to say the realities of life hit hard, and with that came the looming existential question of “what next”? Nothing, however, could have prepared me for the marriage drama that was playing out at home. Suffice it to say, that even my house in Patna had been painted in preparation for the impending event. The only question nobody was asking was who and where was the groom?

Did have my heart set on anyone? Maybe, but then again maybe not. Even if i did have someone in mind, then there was the million dollar question of Was I really sure of him? Is one ever really sure about the person one is marrying? Isn’t it a relative question? We are always evolving, and so are our choices right. So the person we may have been sure of 2 years ago may not hold ground now! then again if marriage is for eternity then how does one adjust to this changing self, and changing choices? What if I change too much and can’t identify with my spouse anymore? Scary thoughts!

The silver lining in the dark clouds was the month long induction with my new organization. In June 2013, I commenced my professional journey with an MNC bank. The month long induction period gave me a chance to interact with B school recruits from all over the country. Ofcourse, the perks of stay at the Trident and Sofitel scored over everything else. I was happy to be back in Mumbai. Also to be reunited with best buddy, Rajeev. With great fanfare we officially flagged off house hunting for me. As in most cases, the search that began with a lot of hopefulness and optimism was reduced to desperation and despair in the span of a month. Fortunately, (&with a lot of daimoku) Flats without Brokers came to my rescue. Thus I got acquainted with fellow roomies Parvati Vaze and Shweta Sharma, and moved in to be their ‘new flatmate’ at Siffin Solah (Siffin 16, Pali Hill Bandra West)

The high point of the flat hunting phase was that Rajeev became a proud owner of a Hookah, and his Man Friday, Pramod, became a pro at setting it up. I got acquainted with Rajeev’s friend Shreyas…..and ofcourse found a place to put an end to my house hunting misery. Heres a free advise- never go flat hunting in Mumbai monsoon, even if it comes with an extended stay at the Trident!

How time flies- Part 1

Can’t believe I haven’t posted anything on this blog for close to 3 years now. I started this blog during my one year MBA program. There was so much that one wanted to share. More than anything, I really wanted to keep a written record of all my experiences in life through this blog. Even today when I read an old post, I feel like I am reliving those moments again, and just like that life is beautiful again! so heres an attempt to fill in the gap of last 3 years, and all the events that marked these years. I sincerely hope to be more regular with the blog henceforth.

The last 2 semester of our MBA program began in Singapore, in Oct 2012. The lush green campus was such a relief from the wretched deserts of Dubai. As we began our specialization courses in, hold your breath- Investment Banking and Finance, Rajeev and I realized that we needed to seek some solace to survive from the finance onslaughts. Rajeev found his in “Sutta” and I found mine in Buddhism. And together we discovered the joys of McDonalds to see us thru the misery of finance specialization. Adding further to my suffering, I got elected to the student body of College Placement Committee.  Rajeev was sane enough to keep away from it.

Personally for me, Singapore was a much better experience than Dubai. For one, Rajeev and I decided to go 7-8 months without fighting (atleast not in the ugly way). Unfortunately, my medical test added an ugly turn to the whole experience. For months together I had to live through the horror of medical tests, consultations and visa extension. Couldn’t have gotten through it without the support of friends from Soka Gakkai (big thank you to Florence, Min Ling, Shirley, Rajesh, Patrick and so so many more). The icing on the cake however was that Rajeev and I, the two so called lower mortals of finance cohort, managed to get ourselves placed through campus. And not to forget, we also got ourselves a fancy ass ALP project with Ernst and Young Singapore. I personally got my sweet revenge on Singapore by bagging an internship with DBS and McKinsey Consulting, Singapore! hell Ya!

Amongst all this, my fave memories are that of making mid night trips to McDonalds, going grocery shopping to 7-11, chanting at the SSA headquarter kaikan, mid night madness of sharing suttas and dragging random chairs to sutta point, chef Rajeev’s prep of chicken sausage sandwiches and Nutella with biscuits( all ingredients wily sourced from hapless others), trekking down to Queenstown mall to sample pizza and food court fares..…..even some low points such as being seated in the corner most ignored by all professors is worth reminiscing now.

In all Singapore was a great place and we each came back with a lifetime of beautiful memories……and some academic credentials :-) :-)

The Root 3 Syndrome

    Any Indian girl would know that one of the toughest things for us to do is escape marriage. You get a certain age, and all people want to hear from you is- when are you settling down. They don’t care about how well you are doing in life or if you are doing well at all. When you try to evade the question politely then the next question you get asked is if you have someone special in tow? If you don’t have any exciting info then people think that you are being sly....its quite an ordeal believe u me.

       So I generally have been dealing with this whole gang of uncles and aunts who get all quizzical every time I visit my folks. It doesn’t matter that you are doing well for yourself (one of them was mortified to hear of my promotion last year. In her view the more i earned the more difficult it would be for my folks to find a right guy for me!). Don’t even ask me how they reacted to the news of me taking a year off for studies. All I can say is that i love my folks for understanding what I want despite the dissenters that they have to suffer back home.

        What irritates me is that these are the persona non grata, who are not even remotely connected with my life. Yet their loud and opinionated self is hard to ignore, especially for my parents who have to deal with them socially. I am so glad that i can escape the torture of their presence for months at a stretch.

       The irony is that I do want to settle down. I miss not having a company, or someone to share my thoughts and life with. But i don’t want to settle into marriage out of pressure from some rogue elements. We are each a unique person (pretty much a Square Root of 3, in our own ways). We have our weaknesses, and our imperfections.  We wish we were different, a square or an integer. But we clearly are not....just when we come to accept ourselves the way we are, the hunt to find someone like us begins (for conjugal bliss). The beauty lies in finding another Square Root of 3, who will make us a whole number. Someone who will make our rough edges smooth....someone who will accept our ‘irrationality’ and make it rational. I call it the Root 3 Syndrome...someone who will complete us(sigh).

But what if i make a wrong choice and end up with a 3 or a 9? Then i will just be longing to become an integer all my life.....scary scary thought. To say ‘yes’ or not to say ‘yes’, thats the million dollar question, my friend.

Ps: Root 3, concept is obviously not mine. Its inspired from a poem by David Feinberg, and featured in the movie Harold and Kumar-Escape from G’bay. Here’s what the poem goes like...
...........................................................................................................................................
 I’m sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three
The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine
For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic
I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality
When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three
As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer
We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands
Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

Dubai- So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

Its been awfully long since I last blogged! one too many updates pending...

So well first things first, our Dubai stint finally came to an end on 28th Sep. 5 and a half months seemed to have passed in a jiffy. i personally hated my Dubai experience. I think International City, China Cluster had a lot to do with it....having lived in a desert for 8 years of my childhood (Ajmer), i really did not think that Dubai would be so bad for me. But i think super hot climate, hard water, lack of freedom all together dont make for a great stay. I had been waiting to get out of the place like how.

But a big thanks to the people who made my stay their tolerable, and at times fun too. My relatives (Reena di and Anil ji) were really very sweet and helpful. The SGI Gulf group was a great bunch to meet (specially Sadhvi, Anuj, Gayatri and Abhinav). And ofcourse, my MBA batchmates who wouldnt let Dxb and its sadness dampen their spirits! Thanks a ton, people.

Am i being overally critical of Dxb? Maybe, i did have some fun moments, shopping was divine,clubbing was not bad either...(but the weather was quite a killjoy-there i go again)

Well, need to update on all that has happened since i last blogged....ARP, Exams, Alumni meet, ARP presentation (not in that order)

Project-Not Bombing Again, which had been initiated with much fanfare, helped me a lot in getting my act together....waiting to see if it helped me in getting better grades. But i did feel much better prepared than I had expected for each exam (though I did not write 2 papers that well- OB and IM)...i think a great deal of my prep had something to do with Rajeev's bible/quran cheat notes. I did the whole thing of group study, discussions, paper solving and what not...(so happy with the effort :D). I just wish that i would stop ruining my good preps in the exam halls.

Exams got over on the 20th of sep, and then began our (Rajeev and mine) super quest to finish the ARP (Applied Research Project-aka acid reflux proposal). We managed to finish a write up of about 47 pages by 21st morning-(yep, that quick) and sent it for approval to our mentor. And finally a full report of 77 pages, with 1% plagiarism and an original piece of macroeconomic model was ready by 22nd night! Hows that for great writing, people. Barely caught 40 winks for those two days. Rajeev, overdosed on Red Bull, and looked like a Martian by the end of the report. He deserves a gallantry award for putting up with my obscene levels of anxiety. A noteworthy mention here wld be that of 'Daddy' (Madhusudan) who 'inspired' us to come up with an original ('legit'-mate) regression model for our report. We got by with a lot of help from our frens..

ARP presentation was good too, with a lil hiccup in the start though.  In short, all things that i had been losing sleep over, went off pretty well.

Before i realised, it was time to bid adieu to dubai....i know for sure tht i will never miss that place. having said that, i did grow fond of some people there, and will deeply miss their company.

singapore awaits us now.....eagerly eagerly looking forward to what lies ahead :D