2023-you were so giving!

 Not sure if this is a common feeling or just unique to me, time is flying so fast! I feel like Nyra was born just yesterday and we already celebrated my doll’s 5th bday this year. We had a princess theme bday, an elaborate event at the Palms club. 

This year I have been blown away by the conversations that Nyra & I have been having- her gentle heart, loving & forgiving spirit and the pristine beauty is something that I, as the maker of the product, is most bowled over by! What a joy it’s been to chat with her specially during our morning & afternoon school runs! 

Don’t miss the princess look and vibe [&poses]. She is every bit it and some more. But what made mama’s day on her bday was her telling me end of the day that her bday party was even better than she had ever imagined! Mamas heart melted, i tell you.

If Nyra was a revelation this year, then so was work. What a year I have had. Nothing could have prepared me for the kind of year this turned out to be. I literally walked into the eye of a storm starting January this year. And thru it all, I am so proud that I held myself together, sometimes surprising even myself. I didn’t think I had this in me. The power of my gut was the most important revelation I had about myself this year. I don’t run from a fight!

The other revelation, though not a happy one, was that relationships come with baggage. Sometimes, one is happy to carry the baggage and sometimes it may be too much. The closer the relationship the more baggage it comes with. This year, I feel I had my fill of it and want no more. If its not making me happy then I will not devote my energy to it, period. 

How can any post be complete without a mention of my continued tryst with weight loss. Not sure if there is a theme more recurring than this. In 2023 I could finally find answers to what had led to the weight gain, PCOS, however, finding answer is not necessarily the end of it. I presumed that once my meds would start then Bam! I would be back to being myself. But well that was wishful thinking. So now i am on another new diet and struggling with not just physical appearance but physical health too. In 2024, i need this to change, if there was ever a cry for help then this is it!

2023, you made me a better mother, and a better professional; you have been kind with love of family, friends and peers. In 2024, i want to take all of this to the next level, reveal that fearless me ready to go into unchartered territories and to enjoy the ride!

Ciao 2023, you were so fun!

My summer reading list

 While its common to hear of writer’s block, not sure if any one faces a readers’ block. In the ups and downs of life i often go thru phrases of reader’s block, and at best i am able to pick one or two book over a month. However, this summer [post made june] that changed, and how!

Books I read this summer [*missing, Lessons in Chemistry] 

By far this has been my most successful season of reading. Unfortunately, it had to come to an end at some point. I guess one reason for it is also because I haven’t found another good book to sink my teeth in. The hunt is on though. 

Amongst the summer reads, the one that I enjoyed the most would be Lessons in Chemistry . It had all the masala of a good read- drama, feminist woes, etc

But thee one that shocked me[rather spooked] was def Verity! What a find it turned out to be. That’s one unputdownable book. In terms of drama, i also loved The shadow lines and Independence. 

I am glad i laboured through ‘the Forty Rules of Love’ else I would have walked the earth not knowing the beauty of Rumi, what a tragedy that would be. 

Now i hope to broaden my reading sphere to pick some non fiction, and topical books. These are more laborious in nature, and not as fun. Be that as it may, reading has been my source of gaining knowledge and it’s about time i expanded the sphere. Fiction will always be my first love, but about time to spread this love!

The Patna Magic.

The summer of 2023 was supposed to be the magical one. Nikhil and I along with Aman & Sanju, had planned to make the most awaited Europe trip this summer. Oh how we planned and searched and dreamed about the most suitable route to take, the cities to cover, the flight options , the hotel stay. One particular Sunday evening, the four of us met at MGF mall Barista to go over Europe plans, even tolerating bad coffee for the sake of the larger mission.

Cut to June 2023, there was no further word on the holiday plans.  Absolute silence. I could see that my most cherished plans of taking time off post 16th June ( submission of key reports to RBI) were pretty much going to be reduced to some days off in Gurgaon, plonked in front of the TV.

So I did the next practical thing that I could think of  I booked tickets for Nyra, Nyra’s maid (B) and myself to travel to Patna for a 2 week stay!! Honestly I don’t know how I planned this but I knew I wanted to be physically away from Gurgaon  

My time in Patna from childhood has always been so painful that I often wondered would I ever come back here oft my own choice! And here I was doing exactly that! 

Everything aside (someday I may have the courage to share more ) the magic of Patna for me has been that it’s like coming back to my source code- the most unadulterated side of me. Patna is a package deal- the less good, more bad and even more ugly. Nevertheless, returning to it, willingly or not, always helped me to align my thoughts and intent- and to physically and emotionally will a future for myself, one that is successful and happy [the antithesis of how i mostly feel in Patna]. For the longest time and all through my growing up years, the strongest feeling I had in Patna was that of wanting to get out, at any cost. With marriage and motherhood, that yearning to get out is no longer there [maybe i did get out], but that raw feeling of wanting to create a future for myself is still there. 

I spent my days in Patna mulling over what this future for me should look like- a new role at work, or something more. While that clarity still evaded me, I did have an aha moment when hours of self reflection brought me to the realisation that my purpose in life is to Thrive! I feel this in every cell in my body. I can’t just exist- i need to thrive, no less.

There was this beautiful moment when i wanted to do more with ‘thrive’, write a book, start a blog, start a business- anything and everything seemed possible. Indeed when I am thriving success is just a byproduct. 

And that’s the Patna magic! Having a clarity of my purpose is like embracing a missing [&lost] part of me, and feeling whole again.

with Veer

                                                         WithTvisha 

Outside Disneyland, yes, in Patna 

En route to Patna with Nai Nai and B

Guilt Trip

 My dearest Nyra, 

Today I travelled to mumbai for work, and you are with your dad in Gurgaon. While I come back tomorrow, the guilt of missing time with you is playing on my mind. It got worse when you started crying as I was packing. 

I hope by the time you grow up, it will be normal for mothers to be working
too. I sincerely believe that women are super achievers and they can do anything, rise up from any adversity. It is just as normal for a woman to have professional ambitions as for a man. Likewise, it should be normal for men to be homemakers if they want to. 

But I tell you, no matter how much we normalise working for women, the guilt of time spent away from our children will never dissipate for women. It’s in our DNA, in the way women are wired. At this moment I know you are well taken care of. You have your didi’s with you as well as your daddy; you are in a safe space. Maybe what we feel is really a deep yearning to feel/see our children around us, the comfort that it brings to us. Even if you and I are not doing anything together, just the knowledge that you are around me, makes me feel content. 

Quoting from Mumbai - a child gives birth to a mother. 

This trip will end tomorrow but the guilt trip never ends! 

Turning 40

 Yeah this happened, this 7th April. 

Turning 40 hits you harder than you expect. Atleast so was in my case. I was kicked to turn 30, feeling super matured and wanting to leave my fumbling 20 something behind. Turning 40 depressed me 😪

It was like a blow to the gut, so many dreams still unaccomplished, still feeling unfulfilled, upset with my physical appearance, where to go from here blah blah! And if my own emotional hang ups at turning 40 were not enough, my husband decided that I should be celebrating this milestone with the whole of his family (all my inlaws) in Goa! 

From the girl who partied every weekend in my 20s, I became the woman who celebrated her 40th bday by cutting her cake in track pants in a swimming pool with all my in-laws around me.! I felt like I had been hijacked. The heart only wanted to celebrate this occasion with my sisters and brother,drinking, reminiscing and celebrating some of the wins - Nyra, Google etc. 

I miss my carefree younger self. Not that she was perfect- seeking validation always. But she was so sassy! I am sad that that side if my life got toned down.

A 40th bday wish- give me my confidence of today with the sassy-ness of my younger self- & of course in my body of 20 something. [even 30 something will do]. 

Jokes apart, this birthday has left me craving to fulfil some long cherished dreams. I am not one to be satisfied with professional success alone. The next phase of my life need to be explored.

I am not done yet, i have a long way to go….

Back to the grind- 2023

 Time flies and how! 

From my post back in 2020 on loving myself to today (May, 2023), while the world has emerged from the grips of coronavirus, and life has moved on in a big way, I am still swaying between weight gain, diets and exercise. 

The bigger struggle is between self loving and self loathing! I managed to lose good amount of weight back in 2020 for a while, practicing suryanamaskar everyday. But in a short period of time, my unhealthy relationship with food has brought me back to same weight that I was with a baby in tummy, in 2018. And this time minus a baby.  

It would be so simple if Food was my nemesis! But the enemy is within, the behaviour that seeks comfort in food, the same behaviour that gave me a let out in moments of despair, without letting me breakdown completely. My frenemy! 

I am back to the grind of challenging myself, to break thru this weight gain. Started with Suryanamaskar once again, challenging myself to practice daily. While the mind builds fanciful pictures of doing 108 surya Namaskar everyday, the poor body is struggling to do a number upward of 20.  

But one ain’t stopping at just this - plan is to couple this with strength training at the gym 2-3 times a week, under the guidance of Sameer (whose 13 is thurrreeen)! 

And just today I have had the inspiration to also add 10k steps to my goals of daily yoga, weekly strength training  

This should be fun.  I am not one to run away from a fight  let’s bring it on! Full force of PP

The Myth of Happy Ever-After

The curse of Social Media is that it puts an unnecessary and unjustified stress on people to portray the picture of a perfect everything - Perfect life, Perfect Marriage, Perfect Hair, Perfect skin/makeup, homes and what have you.
But life is noT perfect and was not meant to be so. Perfect is a make believe of the Insta-world.
I pity the 20-something’s who have fallen into this trap, not knowing better.

In line with the above thought, I confess that I never expected my marriage to be perfect. As with every young girl, I had day- dreamed of my perfect wedding and married life with a devoted and loving husband. But day-dreams and make beliefs are far from the harsh realities of life. I truly and honestly confess that I never thought my married life would be so difficult.

My husband and I come from different backgrounds- chalk and cheese. Ours is still a young marriage- 8 years in the making and a baby to show for it. I had resisted the idea of marriage for a long time. Primarily because I didn’t find anyone who had the same vision for life as I did. And also because I had zero tolerance for the societal farce of “In laws’ expectations”  I was always clear that the person I would marry would have to accept me

When I met my husband I truly and honestly felt that I wanted to share my life with him. We were both working for the same organisation in Mumbai. Life was chill (this was the ‘Siffin solah’phase)   I genuinely liked spending time with him and looked forward to meeting him eagerly. I respected the fact that he was a self made man and very aggressive about his future. 

Our entire courtship of six months or so was actually simple and free of melodrama. The only glitch that time being that I was under treatment for abdominal coax. 

Before I realised, I found myself caught in the same family drama that I had long hoped to avoid. In-laws expectations, husband’s expectations, motherhood expectations! 

The aftermath of married life is telling, no matter with how much love you start the journey.