Its been exactly one year since i was diagnosed with a serious illness last year. Around this time last year, on a chance visit to Mumbai, my mom was shocked to see the weight gain on me. I was so busy being a corporate slave that i did not know and could not exactly pinpoint when i had moved from a natural 50 kgs to a ballooning 55 kgs. I blamed it on unhealthy lifestyle, late work hours, too much stress and what have you. But pursuant as my mom is, she ensured that i atleast saw a general physician to get a view. initially i thought it was really silly, like what would i say the nature of my illness was- weight gain?! thats a malaise every single girl in the world suffers from. little did i know that that one casual visit to the doctor(casual from my side for sure) would lead to the discovery of an illness which i had not shown any symptoms of so far. doctors were surprised that i was walking around all fine, running no temperature etc.
The days of last February passed in a haze for me. Rushing to the hospital everyday, endless tests, CT Scans, endoscopy and the works, made me realize how small my life is, and yet how valuable. Evenmore jarring was the realization of how little had i cared for it. i remember having a very active life, hitting the gym regularly till 2012. so basically in just a span of 3 years i had neglected my body so much that it was struggling to cope up with my daily demands of it.
March 15th was when my diagnosis was completed and I was formally put on a nine month treatment. i requested for time off from work and decided to move back to Delhi to be closer home.
As the treatment progressed, i started gaining even more weight (which apparently was a very good sign as per my doctor!). aside from the weight gain i was also crippled with joint pains, particularly knee pains owing to which i was largely confined to the four walls of our Rajinder nagar flat.
The physical discomfort was something i was learning to deal with, but the emotional discomfort was most scarring. Everytime i looked at myself in the mirror, i squirmed. I just knew that this wasnt me. But then,where as the real me? When did i begin to lose myself? the illness sure was a wakeup call for me.
Today, a year hence, while my medication is over, i m still reeling from the after effects of it (last i checked, i weighed 64 kgs). I cant seem to find the girl i used to be. i yearn to connect with her again, long to be in her skin again. but then i fear what if its not only a matter of weight gain/loss. what if i m just not that person anymore? Guess, only time will tell- but first, lemme lose some weight.
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