Guilt Trip

 My dearest Nyra, 

Today I travelled to mumbai for work, and you are with your dad in Gurgaon. While I come back tomorrow, the guilt of missing time with you is playing on my mind. It got worse when you started crying as I was packing. 

I hope by the time you grow up, it will be normal for mothers to be working
too. I sincerely believe that women are super achievers and they can do anything, rise up from any adversity. It is just as normal for a woman to have professional ambitions as for a man. Likewise, it should be normal for men to be homemakers if they want to. 

But I tell you, no matter how much we normalise working for women, the guilt of time spent away from our children will never dissipate for women. It’s in our DNA, in the way women are wired. At this moment I know you are well taken care of. You have your didi’s with you as well as your daddy; you are in a safe space. Maybe what we feel is really a deep yearning to feel/see our children around us, the comfort that it brings to us. Even if you and I are not doing anything together, just the knowledge that you are around me, makes me feel content. 

Quoting from Mumbai - a child gives birth to a mother. 

This trip will end tomorrow but the guilt trip never ends! 

Turning 40

 Yeah this happened, this 7th April. 

Turning 40 hits you harder than you expect. Atleast so was in my case. I was kicked to turn 30, feeling super matured and wanting to leave my fumbling 20 something behind. Turning 40 depressed me 😪

It was like a blow to the gut, so many dreams still unaccomplished, still feeling unfulfilled, upset with my physical appearance, where to go from here blah blah! And if my own emotional hang ups at turning 40 were not enough, my husband decided that I should be celebrating this milestone with the whole of his family (all my inlaws) in Goa! 

From the girl who partied every weekend in my 20s, I became the woman who celebrated her 40th bday by cutting her cake in track pants in a swimming pool with all my in-laws around me.! I felt like I had been hijacked. The heart only wanted to celebrate this occasion with my sisters and brother,drinking, reminiscing and celebrating some of the wins - Nyra, Google etc. 

I miss my carefree younger self. Not that she was perfect- seeking validation always. But she was so sassy! I am sad that that side if my life got toned down.

A 40th bday wish- give me my confidence of today with the sassy-ness of my younger self- & of course in my body of 20 something. [even 30 something will do]. 

Jokes apart, this birthday has left me craving to fulfil some long cherished dreams. I am not one to be satisfied with professional success alone. The next phase of my life need to be explored.

I am not done yet, i have a long way to go….