Loving thy self

I had mentioned how I turned to food to see me thru some of the tough days of pregnancy. Well it did have its consequences, and not a charming one at that too. By the end of my pregnancy, I was a not so humble XXL in size. All that food had to show somewhere. In my head I thought I would be BreastFeeding my baby extensively so I am sure this fat will melt. Also somehow the societal benchmark of a new mother is quite harsh- the likes of Kareena Kapoor who bounce back to their slim size post delivery really doesn’t do any good to lay women like me. No matter what I did, in terms of exercising as diet wasn’t a possibility for me back then, would show on me. Some days I would walk 3-4 kms in the mornings hoping the weighing scale would move but nope, not a tad bit.
Also it didn’t help that I had a voracious appetite after each BreastFeeding session.

My journey of accepting this body size has not been easy. Criticism has come from every corner, including home corners. Quite often I was made to feel like “ what have you done”? And I couldn’t understand what had I done actually. I started feeling guilty about eating, but then that meant poor milk supply from me for my baby. This poor self image further aggravated my feelings of post partum depression. I remember, not so long ago, there was a time when wanting to find some solace in retail therapy, I went to one of the popular malls in Gurgaon- I was shocked to see the look of disdain and judgement I received from some of the sales women in the stores there. I nearly broke down when one of the sales girls told me to stick to stores that cater to plus size clothing only- “ Madam aap kya fashionable baneingi”   I was appalled that they were allowed to speak with customers like that. While I asked her to mind her own business, in my own mind her voice became loud enough to actually stop me from entering some trendy stores for next few months.

While for me living with this size has been a remotely new experience, I am surprised to see how much we scar people to loathe their own body. With sufficient lapse of time post pregnancy, I can see the swellings in my body coming down now. I feel more normal, I am able to bend down to pick Nyra, I am able to pick her and walk a certain distance, I am able to play with her. I have sought the help of some diets to knock of weight, which has really left me feelings lighter by few kgs. Having seen the quality of life I could gain with just losing some 8-10 kgs, I feel that I want to focus harder on getting fit. I want to get Fit so I have a disease free life, I want to get fit so I can play and run with Nyra, I want to be fit so my baby does not have to carry the burden of a sick parent, I want to be fit so I can have another baby....... the reasons are so compelling. I want to keep reminding g myself that the life I will gain by losing the excess weight is going to be every bit worth the sacrifice of a few pieces of cakes, chocolates, and some yummy food. The taste of the food will be long forgotten but the consequences of it will be real.

I hope to start off with a new diet in the year 2020, hope to start of with Suryanamaskar (which I have been secretly following) and to start off with some running.
Till a few months ago, my reasons for losing weight were different, maybe to fit into better clothes and to look Hot. But I am so glad that I have gained the right perspective. I am so thankful to this body I have that has helped me bear a child and to nurse her even today. Every bit of my body is worth loving, no matter what some detractors may say. 

Mommyhood Part 3

No amount of text on Mommyhood can ever be complete without a note on PPD- Post Partum depression. Yes, it’s as real as real can get. I didn’t feel exceptionally elated during my pregnancy, so I wondered if my post partum had maybe begun pre partum ( believe you me sometimes I feel that destiny has singled me out for all exceptional experiences ). But lo behold, I wasnt even remotely prepared for PPD when it hit me. It started with the sleep wariness and fatigue, and gradually took over all aspect of my charming personality. There were moments when I would break down inconsolably not knowing why, and then moments when I would be raging with anger- again not knowing why. I can imagine what a blast I must have been to live with. Kudos to my husband for putting up with me.

Then again becoming parents takes a huge toll on a couple’s relationship. Like I mentioned above, for the mother post partum depression is real,  which the world has today acknowledged and accepted. I wonder if there is a PPD equivalent for new fathers. It must be awfully painful to be going thru something of this nature and not being able to voice- because hey, the world has already accepted that the mother is going to be depressed, and that a new born baby is going to be handful. So really we have not allowed new fathers to even feel that depression, after all the house needs atleast one functional brain. So new fathers, unfortunately would need to Man up!!

The other big change of becoming a mother was also about adjusting with the help we could find. since we stay in a nuclear set up and because my mom in law passed away last year, we have had to find some alternative methods of getting help.  After much cajoling, begging and emotional blackmailing of family, we decided that maybe it would be best to get paid help. So we were quick to read reviews on line and connect with some agencies. I had informal chats with quite a few ladies who were ‘jhapas’ specialising in post delivery care of mother and in handling new born. What we were absolutely not prepared for was the baggage that comes with outside help. Many a time’s we felt like we were walking on egg shells around them. God forbid we erred, we would be left without the precious help for days together.

Becoming a mother is a great balancing act, you feel like you are walking on a tight rope everyday. Every mother, each set of parents have to decide for themselves what works best for them. Oh there have been days when I have super envied stay at home moms. And then there have been days when I have been hugely grateful for having the opportunity to use my skills professionally. Each one of us has to decided what works best for us and make our eternal peace with it. Having said that, me time, I figured, is priceless. Sometimes just watching an episode of Honeland left me feeling good and picked me up enough to hit mommy duties a fresh. Sometimes when we are challenged with everything, it’s the simple pleasures of life that really pleases the soul. A walk in the park, just lying in the sun, reading a book, doing my nails, or even wearing make up some days could leave me feeling elated. That’s the beauty of life I keep forgetting.