At the start let me put it as bluntly as possible that I have always had zero maternal instincts. Even when my in- laws were driving me up the wall about having a baby, I never could imagine myself with one. I have been around babies for sure, given that my brother Harsh and sis Shreya have been almost like babies to my sisters and I. Then I have 3 nieces and one pretty naughty nephew. However, playing with babies and raising one are two different things entirely.
So even when I realised that I was expecting I had to really really prepare myself for what laid ahead. But the challenge was that even a lifetime could not prepare me for Mommyhood, or so I thought Plus during pregnancy one is so caught up with the milestone of each trimester that changing the way you are wired seems tad too much.
I had seen and heard my friends & my sisters getting totally pampered during their pregnancy. Needless to say I actually thought that’s how my pregnancy would be too. Unfortunately My pregnancy was a very depressed one for several reasons. Top being the loss of my mom in law. I had never experienced or seen death at such close quarters before in my life. The entire chain of events- from Mummyji struggling to breathe to me dressing her to take her to the doctor to seeing her pass away right infront of us to dressing her for the funeral- the entire episode still feels like it happened yesterday. It still disturbs me at so many levels. To witness all this in my third month of pregnancy seemed like a some sinister curse. Needless to say the entire episode marred my pregnancy and somewhere I harboured a secret fear That something may happen to my baby. I was anxiety ridden, given to Panick and had little faith in my own self to see this thru.
Thankfully, I did see it thru- I grew and grew and grew! I can definitely admit that I sought solace in food. Eating for two became my excuse for indulging and over indulging (yes that’s possible). Everything that I had kept away from all my life suddenly became acceptable to eat as ‘the baby wanted to eat’! The flip side of all this was that I gradually grew from my Medium size of clothing to XL and then XXL and finally XXXL by the time I delivered. Did I not worry about the weight? Of course I did. But somewhere I presumed it would all go away post delivery.
Haha!! Now I am wondering how could I have been so foolish i am eights months postpartum and have not lost even one kg of weight. I still carry every bit of the 20 kgs of weight o put on during pregnancy. I have stopped looking at myself in the mirrors now or even if I look I see thru. It’s depressing to see myself like this. I don’t identify with this person I have become.... and that my friend, is really how i feel inside out. Not just in respect to my changing physiology, but also in terms of the person I am becoming- I don’t identify with this person. Women have to make drastic adjustments in their life and lifestyle once they become mothers. While you ate mentally preparing yourself to make the change, if your pregnancy experience has been anything like mine then trust me no amount of preparation would be enough to get you ready for motherhood!
To be continued.......
So even when I realised that I was expecting I had to really really prepare myself for what laid ahead. But the challenge was that even a lifetime could not prepare me for Mommyhood, or so I thought Plus during pregnancy one is so caught up with the milestone of each trimester that changing the way you are wired seems tad too much.
I had seen and heard my friends & my sisters getting totally pampered during their pregnancy. Needless to say I actually thought that’s how my pregnancy would be too. Unfortunately My pregnancy was a very depressed one for several reasons. Top being the loss of my mom in law. I had never experienced or seen death at such close quarters before in my life. The entire chain of events- from Mummyji struggling to breathe to me dressing her to take her to the doctor to seeing her pass away right infront of us to dressing her for the funeral- the entire episode still feels like it happened yesterday. It still disturbs me at so many levels. To witness all this in my third month of pregnancy seemed like a some sinister curse. Needless to say the entire episode marred my pregnancy and somewhere I harboured a secret fear That something may happen to my baby. I was anxiety ridden, given to Panick and had little faith in my own self to see this thru.
Thankfully, I did see it thru- I grew and grew and grew! I can definitely admit that I sought solace in food. Eating for two became my excuse for indulging and over indulging (yes that’s possible). Everything that I had kept away from all my life suddenly became acceptable to eat as ‘the baby wanted to eat’! The flip side of all this was that I gradually grew from my Medium size of clothing to XL and then XXL and finally XXXL by the time I delivered. Did I not worry about the weight? Of course I did. But somewhere I presumed it would all go away post delivery.
Haha!! Now I am wondering how could I have been so foolish i am eights months postpartum and have not lost even one kg of weight. I still carry every bit of the 20 kgs of weight o put on during pregnancy. I have stopped looking at myself in the mirrors now or even if I look I see thru. It’s depressing to see myself like this. I don’t identify with this person I have become.... and that my friend, is really how i feel inside out. Not just in respect to my changing physiology, but also in terms of the person I am becoming- I don’t identify with this person. Women have to make drastic adjustments in their life and lifestyle once they become mothers. While you ate mentally preparing yourself to make the change, if your pregnancy experience has been anything like mine then trust me no amount of preparation would be enough to get you ready for motherhood!
To be continued.......
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