Loving thy self

I had mentioned how I turned to food to see me thru some of the tough days of pregnancy. Well it did have its consequences, and not a charming one at that too. By the end of my pregnancy, I was a not so humble XXL in size. All that food had to show somewhere. In my head I thought I would be BreastFeeding my baby extensively so I am sure this fat will melt. Also somehow the societal benchmark of a new mother is quite harsh- the likes of Kareena Kapoor who bounce back to their slim size post delivery really doesn’t do any good to lay women like me. No matter what I did, in terms of exercising as diet wasn’t a possibility for me back then, would show on me. Some days I would walk 3-4 kms in the mornings hoping the weighing scale would move but nope, not a tad bit.
Also it didn’t help that I had a voracious appetite after each BreastFeeding session.

My journey of accepting this body size has not been easy. Criticism has come from every corner, including home corners. Quite often I was made to feel like “ what have you done”? And I couldn’t understand what had I done actually. I started feeling guilty about eating, but then that meant poor milk supply from me for my baby. This poor self image further aggravated my feelings of post partum depression. I remember, not so long ago, there was a time when wanting to find some solace in retail therapy, I went to one of the popular malls in Gurgaon- I was shocked to see the look of disdain and judgement I received from some of the sales women in the stores there. I nearly broke down when one of the sales girls told me to stick to stores that cater to plus size clothing only- “ Madam aap kya fashionable baneingi”   I was appalled that they were allowed to speak with customers like that. While I asked her to mind her own business, in my own mind her voice became loud enough to actually stop me from entering some trendy stores for next few months.

While for me living with this size has been a remotely new experience, I am surprised to see how much we scar people to loathe their own body. With sufficient lapse of time post pregnancy, I can see the swellings in my body coming down now. I feel more normal, I am able to bend down to pick Nyra, I am able to pick her and walk a certain distance, I am able to play with her. I have sought the help of some diets to knock of weight, which has really left me feelings lighter by few kgs. Having seen the quality of life I could gain with just losing some 8-10 kgs, I feel that I want to focus harder on getting fit. I want to get Fit so I have a disease free life, I want to get fit so I can play and run with Nyra, I want to be fit so my baby does not have to carry the burden of a sick parent, I want to be fit so I can have another baby....... the reasons are so compelling. I want to keep reminding g myself that the life I will gain by losing the excess weight is going to be every bit worth the sacrifice of a few pieces of cakes, chocolates, and some yummy food. The taste of the food will be long forgotten but the consequences of it will be real.

I hope to start off with a new diet in the year 2020, hope to start of with Suryanamaskar (which I have been secretly following) and to start off with some running.
Till a few months ago, my reasons for losing weight were different, maybe to fit into better clothes and to look Hot. But I am so glad that I have gained the right perspective. I am so thankful to this body I have that has helped me bear a child and to nurse her even today. Every bit of my body is worth loving, no matter what some detractors may say. 

Mommyhood Part 3

No amount of text on Mommyhood can ever be complete without a note on PPD- Post Partum depression. Yes, it’s as real as real can get. I didn’t feel exceptionally elated during my pregnancy, so I wondered if my post partum had maybe begun pre partum ( believe you me sometimes I feel that destiny has singled me out for all exceptional experiences ). But lo behold, I wasnt even remotely prepared for PPD when it hit me. It started with the sleep wariness and fatigue, and gradually took over all aspect of my charming personality. There were moments when I would break down inconsolably not knowing why, and then moments when I would be raging with anger- again not knowing why. I can imagine what a blast I must have been to live with. Kudos to my husband for putting up with me.

Then again becoming parents takes a huge toll on a couple’s relationship. Like I mentioned above, for the mother post partum depression is real,  which the world has today acknowledged and accepted. I wonder if there is a PPD equivalent for new fathers. It must be awfully painful to be going thru something of this nature and not being able to voice- because hey, the world has already accepted that the mother is going to be depressed, and that a new born baby is going to be handful. So really we have not allowed new fathers to even feel that depression, after all the house needs atleast one functional brain. So new fathers, unfortunately would need to Man up!!

The other big change of becoming a mother was also about adjusting with the help we could find. since we stay in a nuclear set up and because my mom in law passed away last year, we have had to find some alternative methods of getting help.  After much cajoling, begging and emotional blackmailing of family, we decided that maybe it would be best to get paid help. So we were quick to read reviews on line and connect with some agencies. I had informal chats with quite a few ladies who were ‘jhapas’ specialising in post delivery care of mother and in handling new born. What we were absolutely not prepared for was the baggage that comes with outside help. Many a time’s we felt like we were walking on egg shells around them. God forbid we erred, we would be left without the precious help for days together.

Becoming a mother is a great balancing act, you feel like you are walking on a tight rope everyday. Every mother, each set of parents have to decide for themselves what works best for them. Oh there have been days when I have super envied stay at home moms. And then there have been days when I have been hugely grateful for having the opportunity to use my skills professionally. Each one of us has to decided what works best for us and make our eternal peace with it. Having said that, me time, I figured, is priceless. Sometimes just watching an episode of Honeland left me feeling good and picked me up enough to hit mommy duties a fresh. Sometimes when we are challenged with everything, it’s the simple pleasures of life that really pleases the soul. A walk in the park, just lying in the sun, reading a book, doing my nails, or even wearing make up some days could leave me feeling elated. That’s the beauty of life I keep forgetting.

Mommyhood Part 2

It's Diwali 2019, almost the end of October. This has been a special month as we celebrated baby Nyra's first bday, Dusshera and Diwali all in one month- it's been exhausting. So celebrations have been on since start of October.
As I reached this milestone of one year, I honestly wanted to pat my back for having sailed thru this far. While in the previous blog I had written about the challenge of changing one's inherent wiring to become a mother, the second and more difficult (read-only exhausting) phase is the initial few months. I am sure there must be a whole host of women sharing their experience of sleepless nights with a young baby. There were sleepless nights even in my last trimester of pregnancy so I would often imagine how different would sleepless nights be with a baby. But boy, compared to this sleepless nights as a whale seemed like a walk in the park.
The first few days back from the hospital post delivery, I wouldn't even wake up when the baby cried. Honestly! Like I would hear a baby crying in my sleep and wonder whose baby is this, what is that sound, somebody shut it up etc etc till my help or my mom would wake me to nurse the baby. Thats exactly how my first two weeks were with the new baby.
To make matters worse, I had a very tough start with breastfeeding. You know those hoardings you see of women breastfeeding their child with a subtle blissful smile on their face-- that's a huge lie. Breastfeeding in today's time is a real struggle for most new mothers. I thought once the baby comes, breastfeeding would happen naturally. But that's really really far from what happened and what happens generally. I was fortunate enough to have a gynaecologist who let me latch my baby on the delivery bed itself. However, my initial struggle was that there was no or rather poor milk supply. And then when the milk started to flow, baby couldn't latch- so literally I had milk pockets collected all over my breasts- which hurt like crazy.
I had to seek the help of a lactation consultant on several occasions to start with breastfeeding. All I can say is that I really stuck to my guns of not giving up on breasfeeding.
My baby and I have now completed a year of breastfeeding and I feel that really has been the big hallmark of my motherhood. Quite often I Feel new mothers give up on breastfeeding even without giving it a genuine try, which is such a tragedy. I know bottle fed babies are cuter, chubbier etc etc, i am guilty of falling into that trap too. I would want my baby to atleast take 1-2 feed of top feed so she would gain weight-but yeah that didn't work. She hates bottles and formula. So I have been her mother dairy all throughout.
Enough on the nutrition of the baby. The next bit is on how new mothers need hides as even thick skin wont do. Everybody, from strangers in malls to country cousins make it a point to give us free advise on how to raise a baby. By far the randomest comment I got was when my baby was drooling and my sister in law commented that baby's drool is beacsue of lice in hsir- my baby was 3 months old that time! When babies go thru growth milestones which disturbs their sleeping pattern- everyone would tell me that itsbeacuse baby's tummy is not full- even though I had just finished an extended dream feed session. Thankfully as a mother o used my own judgement and upgraded my alreday- thick-skin to hides.

More to follow.......

And some of the sweetest memories from Nyra’s first

Mommyhood - Part 1

At the start let me put it as bluntly as possible that I have always had zero maternal instincts. Even when my in- laws were driving me up the wall about having a baby, I never could imagine myself with one. I have been around babies for sure, given that my brother Harsh and sis Shreya have been almost like babies to my sisters and I.  Then I have 3 nieces and one pretty naughty nephew. However, playing with babies and raising one are two different things entirely.

So even when I realised that I was expecting I had to really really prepare myself for what laid ahead. But the challenge was that even a lifetime could not prepare me for Mommyhood, or so I thought Plus during pregnancy one is so caught up with the milestone of each trimester that changing the way you are wired seems tad too much.

I had seen and heard my friends & my sisters getting totally pampered during their pregnancy. Needless to say I actually thought that’s how my pregnancy would be too. Unfortunately My pregnancy was a very depressed one for several reasons. Top being the loss of my mom in law. I had never experienced or seen death at such close quarters before in my life. The entire chain of events- from Mummyji struggling to breathe to me dressing her to take her to the doctor to seeing her pass away right infront of us to dressing her for the funeral- the entire episode still feels like it happened yesterday. It still disturbs me at so many levels. To witness all this in my third month of pregnancy seemed like a some sinister curse.  Needless to say the entire episode marred my pregnancy and somewhere I harboured a secret fear That something may happen to my baby. I was anxiety ridden, given to Panick and had little faith in my own self to see this thru.

Thankfully, I did see it thru- I grew and grew and grew! I can definitely admit that I sought solace in food. Eating for two became my excuse for indulging and over indulging (yes that’s possible). Everything that I had kept away from all my life suddenly became acceptable to eat as ‘the baby wanted to eat’! The flip side of all this was that I gradually grew from my Medium size of clothing to XL and then XXL and finally XXXL by the time I delivered. Did I not worry about the weight? Of course I did. But somewhere I presumed it would all go away post delivery.

Haha!! Now I am wondering how could I have been so foolish  i am eights months postpartum and have not lost even one kg of weight. I still carry every bit of the 20 kgs of weight o put on during pregnancy. I have stopped looking at myself in the mirrors now or even if I look I see thru. It’s depressing to see myself like this. I don’t identify with this person I have become.... and that my friend, is really how i feel inside out. Not just in respect to my changing physiology, but also in terms of the person I am becoming- I don’t identify with this person. Women have to make drastic adjustments in their life and lifestyle once they become mothers. While you ate mentally preparing yourself to make the change, if your pregnancy experience has been anything like mine then trust me no amount of preparation would be enough to get you ready for motherhood!

To be continued.......

Far too long!

Hello there!
It’s been ages since I posted anything. Honestly the post marriage bliss (short lived) and madness (continuous) made me lazy and forgetful. I guess it’s also a by product of feeling overly sluggish and sloth-y. What’s a fact is that no matter how sorted you may feel you are, marriage really throws you off your game. The degree of dispersion depends on how well you have kept yourself connected with your life as it was before marriage. In my case the fact that marriage made me move to a new city (Gurgaon) altogether made that difficult. In the first 2 years of our being together, I found myself relying on my husband for near about everything. All my outings- movie, coffee, drinks, shopping, window shopping would happen in the company of my husband only. Romantic!! It’s another matter that he was  my designated (read- only ) driver to drive me around for these outings.
At the time of posting this, it’s already nearing the first quarter of the year 2019. Nikhil and I have been married for over 3years now. It’s been a bumpy ride definitely ( I find it hard to believe anyone who makes marriage seem like a cake walk- it really isn’t) I think I can confidently claim that we have successfully had our share of fights over almost every issue under the sun. Some topics have been ridiculously inane. And then there are some topics that I don’t even remember after the fight is over and dust settled. For what it’s worth, I am happy that we have been so versatile in picking our fights. In terms of covering ground in 3 years of marriage-we have literally taken it seriously to the extent that we lived separately (Gurgaon - Mumbai for almost a year). This was of course for work only.

So here I am today, 3 years post marriage- still picking fights with Nikhil, in between carrying out mommy duties for our darling Persian cat- Buzz and our little bundle of joy-Nyra!! Oh yes she happened too! Life has smugly graduated me from a couldn’t-care chick to a hyperactive, super paranoid Mommy. More on Nyra and Mommyhood next time. 

Whole Lotta Love

so well, this post has been long due

In my last post i had shared about how 2015 was the year of health scare and some much needed wake up calls. And of course about meeting N :-)

if you are 30 & single, then most likely 3 things will happen to you- a) you will have become extremely cynical about love b) you will have become extremely desperate for love c) you will have become overtly cynical about love, while secretly pining for it. (disclaimer-exceptions applied)
with much embarrassment i confess that i belonged to the third group. oh how i frowned upon any idea of love, and yet that had been my most consistent prayer. if my thoughts on love were, well, confusing then my thoughts on marriage were the mother lode of it. to marry or not to marry was the big question! to add to the confusion, it wasnt really like i had hordes of suitors pursuing me. after meeting some suitors i swear i put off the idea of marriage to a great extent.

to cut a long story short, i met Nikhil at new year's eve in 2014. together we rung in the new year , without realizing that in that year we would end up getting hitched together. surprisingly marriage was the last thing on my mind when i met him- or even in the early few months of our courtship. it started with just having the comfort of reaching out to someone with even the most banal thought in mind. and just like that things were never the same again.
"love & marriage" are big words, seems like too much work- commitment, responsibility,passion, respect to name a few. a role u wld be signing up for- only to be paid in kind (mostly), and promotions in terms of motherhood, with the most sketchy profile and seriously long hours (including graveyard shifts), perks of having no life outside of it, literally & and a team member who comes as a collateral, with strict no exchange/return clause. No wonder its feared so much!
But the beauty of "love& marriage" lies in the basics of it (i realized that when i started sharing every stupid information with N), it lies in the comfort it brings with it- even in my current extremely F& U phase (fat and ugly), N makes me feel lovely. it lies in the promise of waking up every morning feeling loved. and before you know it, the cynicism you had so painstakingly nurtured abandons you, only to be replaced by the much despised mush.
did love "save my soul" clearly no (not sure if there was any saving required), but it definitely set me free (sorry for the cliche)

ps:- "love & marriage" to be read as love and/or marriage.

Not in the pink of health

Its been exactly one year since i was diagnosed with a serious illness last year. Around this time last year, on a chance visit to Mumbai, my mom was shocked to see the weight gain on me. I was so busy being a corporate slave that i did not know and could not exactly pinpoint when i had moved from a natural 50 kgs to a ballooning 55 kgs. I blamed it on unhealthy lifestyle, late work hours, too much stress and what have you. But pursuant as my mom is, she ensured that i atleast saw a general physician to get a view. initially i thought it was really silly, like what would i say the nature of my illness was- weight gain?! thats a malaise every single girl in the world suffers from. little did i know that that one casual visit to the doctor(casual from my side for sure) would lead to the discovery of an illness which i had not shown any symptoms of so far. doctors were surprised that i was walking around all fine, running no temperature etc.

The days of last February passed in a haze for me. Rushing to the hospital everyday, endless tests, CT Scans, endoscopy and the works, made me realize how small my life is, and yet how valuable. Evenmore jarring was the realization of how little had i cared for it. i remember having a very active life, hitting the gym regularly till 2012. so basically in just a span of 3 years i had neglected my body so much that it was struggling to cope up with my daily demands of it.

March 15th was when my diagnosis was completed and I was formally put on a nine month treatment. i requested for time off from work and decided to move back to Delhi to be closer home.

As the treatment progressed, i started gaining even more weight (which apparently was a very good sign as per my doctor!). aside from the weight gain i was also crippled with joint pains, particularly knee pains owing to which i was largely confined to the four walls of our Rajinder nagar flat. 

The physical discomfort was something i was learning to deal with, but the emotional discomfort was most scarring. Everytime i looked at myself in the mirror, i squirmed. I just knew that this wasnt me. But then,where as the real me? When did i begin to lose myself? the illness sure was a wakeup call for me.

Today, a year hence, while my medication is over, i m still reeling from the after effects of it (last i checked, i weighed 64 kgs). I cant seem to find the girl i used to be. i yearn to connect with her again, long to be in her skin again. but then i fear what if its not only a matter of weight gain/loss. what if i m just not that person anymore? Guess, only time will tell- but first, lemme lose some weight.