Today’s the day! Nyra grown so fast. It feels like yesterday when I held her in my arms and struggled thru the challenges of motherhood, nursing, balancing work and motherhood etc etc.
As i see my little baby grow, and the kind & loving human being she is growing into, i feel blessed. A part of me also wants to hide her from the world, to save her from the pain, despair, heartache that the world unsparingly bestows on us through the journey of life.
As i look back at the last 6 years, i see some constant themes emerging. The first is my fear that I may turn out to be a mother like my mother. Like in my weak moment, my reactions may clone that of my mother - gaslighting, ignoring, angry, arrogant, cursing, hitting, there is no end to it.
This fear is deeply ingrained in me. I feel it’s like a monster hiding in me and may show up at the most unexpected moment. Can i ever get rid of this monster? There are moments when I feel like I have left it far behind me, and then there are moments when i am caught off guard by its haunting presence. How do i protect my daughter from this experience that i have carried with me all my life?
I am also struggling to forgive my husband for his lack of support thru my pregnancy and Nyra’s early years. Did I expect something miraculous from him, def no. But i expected him to be a partner, to share the journey, to share the burden, to be stronger for me when I didn’t have it in me to be strong. The lack of support from him, makes me resent him so much today. the thing is i pretty much gave up on expecting him to support me with his family, but I did expect that he would be a partner with me in bringing together our family. This is not a let down, it’s a betrayal of trust. Today as I hit my early forties, my chances of having.a second baby look slim with each passing day. I yearn to be a mother again, to hold a little bundle of joy. But.i don’t want the experience i had with Nyra with my husband. I don’t have the courage to go thru it all alone again.
the most prominent theme is that of the love i have received from Nyra and how she helped me change as a person. My little baby has been mending my broken heart without even knowing it. I have so much gratitude for her, and to her for being the fabulous little human being that she is. Watching her grow, watching her experience life, watching her experience joys & sorrows and frustrations - has helped me relearn my own outlook towards life. So often I find myself looking at me from her eyes- mama you are watching too much kdrama, mama you are not meeting with friends, mama you are not chanting, mama you are being lazy, mama you are only working.
As I stitch these pieces of my experiences together, here is looking ahead to- believing that I am and will be a better mother than my own mother. I will create my own rule book and play book of what motherhood means for me. Nikhil’s lack of support for me & Nyra is on him, that’s the karma he has created. I can be strong enough for both Nyra & me, I don’t need to depend on anyone for the two of us. I will live my years with Nyra, laughing & loving deeply, like never before.
Happy birthday my love, you are my heart, my soul, my pride, my tribe ❤
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