Happy 6th Nyra Baby

 Today’s the day! Nyra grown so fast. It feels like yesterday when I held her in my arms and struggled thru the challenges of motherhood, nursing, balancing work and motherhood etc etc. 

As i see my little baby grow, and the kind & loving human being she is growing into, i feel blessed. A part of me also wants to hide her from the world, to save her from the pain, despair, heartache that the world unsparingly bestows on us through the journey of life. 

As i look back at the last 6 years, i see some constant themes emerging. The first is my fear that I may turn out to be a mother like my mother. Like in my weak moment, my reactions may clone that of my mother - gaslighting, ignoring, angry, arrogant, cursing, hitting, there is no end to it. 

This fear is deeply ingrained in me. I feel it’s like a monster hiding in me and may show up at the most unexpected moment. Can i ever get rid of this monster? There are moments when I feel like I have left it far behind me, and then there are moments when i am caught off guard by its haunting presence. How do i protect my daughter from this experience that i have carried with me all my life?

I am also struggling to forgive my husband for his lack of support thru my pregnancy and Nyra’s early years. Did I expect something miraculous from him, def no. But i expected him to be a partner, to share the journey, to share the burden, to be stronger for me when I didn’t have it in me to be strong. The lack of support from him, makes me resent him so much today. the thing is i pretty much gave up on expecting him to support me with his family, but I did expect that he would be a partner with me in bringing together our family. This is not a let down, it’s a betrayal of trust. Today as I hit my early forties, my chances of having.a second baby look slim with each passing day. I yearn to be a mother again, to hold a little bundle of joy. But.i don’t want the experience i had with Nyra with my husband. I don’t have the courage to go thru it all alone again. 

In these six years, the most prominent theme is that of the love i have received from Nyra and how she helped me change as a person. My little baby has been mending my broken heart without even knowing it. I have so much gratitude for her, and to her for being the fabulous little human being that she is. Watching her grow, watching her experience life, watching her experience joys & sorrows and frustrations - has helped me relearn my own outlook towards life. So often I find myself looking at me from her eyes- mama you are watching too much kdrama, mama you are not meeting with friends, mama you are not chanting, mama you are being lazy, mama you are only working. 

As I stitch these pieces of my experiences together, here is looking ahead to- believing that I am and will be a better mother than my own mother. I will create my own rule book and play book of what motherhood means for me. Nikhil’s lack of support for me & Nyra is on him, that’s the karma he has created. I can be strong enough for both Nyra & me, I don’t need to depend on anyone for the two of us. I will live my years with Nyra, laughing & loving deeply, like never before. 

Happy birthday my love, you are my heart, my soul, my pride, my tribe ❤

Life does not owe us love

 Possibly the hardest truth that I am coming to terms with, as I age, is that Life does not owe us love!.

There is no guarantee of love for anyone at any age. Husband & wife may not love each other, parents may not love their child, siblings may not have love for each other. When you discount for the constants [closest relations], the love from variables like friends & boyfriends will always be compensatory & momentary in some form but not foundational. 

Love had been a fleeting concept for my parents- both aspects of it i.e love for each other or love for their children [this too is discriminatory between daughters & son]. Blame it on the fixation of parents in the 80s and 90s, showing love to own children was contrary to even social norms. For parents, the closest substitute for love is care- and may parents did care a lot. They cared that I should be topping my class & no other rank was acceptable, they cared that I should further their social image thru my achievements, they cared that I should be able to achieve stellar academic performance without having to take tuitions, they cared that the objective of my education was to ensure that I cleared Civil Services. They definitely cared heaps. They just didn’t care about how any of this was making me feel. 

For a big part of my life, i have tried to ignore this void in me. Did this make me emotionally stunted?- it was not possible to have experienced that kind of childhood and not see an impact of it. Growing up, I became an introvert, I couldn’t make close friends as I had serious trust issues. I also pushed myself in a crazy way to do multiple stuff -academics, debates, Quiz, riding what not- with the hope that maybe this will make my parents happy and make them love me. The mind of a teenager is naive right. When I didn’t do well in the tenth exam and saw their behaviour change towards me [they said I had gotten arrogant and that led to my downfall], I didn’t care after that whether I was doing well or falling behind anymore. I found myself sinking into a big hole I couldn’t find a reason to push myself anymore, and no the myth of parents love & my share of it,  had been busted.

Foolishly I presumed that when I would meet my life partner, this void would naturally be filled. I expected toe curling love, and a deep connection that would make me feel like I belonged with someone. It needs some level of discerning to know a myth from reality. 

Ten years into married life, and it’s safe to say that this void has swallowed me whole. For all his declarations of love, my husband couldn’t spare even the day of our wedding & wedding night to hit this point home. And just like that, that night became the foundation of my marriage. Marriage is genuinely the most transactional relationship. there is little room for love there. In marriage love is commonly substituted with trust & respect. I have not experienced spousal trust even thru some of the most difficult moments for me. And I def have zero trust in my husband that he will support me in conflicts with his family. 10 years of marriage enriches you with enough examples and hard hitting experiences to remove the tint from the tinted glasses. 

My mom took care of sibling love too. She ensured that we siblings have zero trust in each other. She played nasty games of pitting one against another, to the point that we have grown up with strong sense of hatred, unhealthy sibling rivalry and distrust between us.

How’s it that when love is such an integral part of life, I am still waiting & yearning to experience it? I presumed that I should be loved - not by the world, but at least by parents, siblings, husband. But nobody really owes love to another. 

The love that touched my heart & soul finally was from Nyra. Sometimes her love is like a shower, at other times like an oasis and then again like the warm sun of winter, making me want to bask in it. I have cried with her and laughed with her. I have felt myself in her and felt her in me. It’s such a free love.

While my life being devoid of love [except Nyra] may be my karma for the lifetime, the only choice I have then is to fill this void with other stuff that my life has given me in abundance- kindness & compassion for others, and success in all forms and some serious talents. 

The world does not owe me love, clearly, but I def owe it to myself. 

Singapore - you hurt me always

 This has been a year of hectic travels for me. I do not recall having to travel so much in the past. immediately after the US trip, I travelled to Bangalore for a summit. I was still jet lagged when i made that trip and i can assure you that I have not been more disoriented in my life before. 

I am now in Singapore for an APAC summit. In a moment of mad inspiration [or not sure what had got into me] I planned this trip with my mother and sister. I have regrets a plenty. the most important one being that I had to leave Nyra with Nikhil to accommodate few extra days of travel with them. 

Singapore was such a reality check. I had been swayed by my foolishness and naivety to think that all of my childhood experiences with my mom would not be repeated. So to imagine that it happened in Singapore, during s supposedly holiday with mom and my sis post an office offsite, is a shock that I am still reeling from.

Immediately after the excitement of being in Singapore died down, i could sense a weird tension with mom. Like always i knew it had been building up from her side. And the showdown with Fittu a couple of days before our departure did not help. Once again I found myself walking on egg shells around her. Every now and then there were offhanded comments flying, which would take me aback and challenge a reaction from me. 

While I could escape on the first few days when I was at work, the reunion didn’t bode well. Once the snide remarks started piling up, I couldn’t resist a retort on it. I found myself reduced to my first memories with my mother - as an abandoned 4-5years old kid waiting for mother to give some attention. How pathetic is it that that’s my first memory of childhood and my mother. Would it have been asking for too much to show some love to a young kid?

And how is it that it still hurts so much! Mom’s behaviour triggered so many childhood memories, that it became overwhelming to be around her. Strange that a five year old’s memory is no different from a forty something’s experience today. Will this ever stop? Will i ever find myself outside the dark washroom that I would be locked into by mother for refusing to eat food that I did not like?

What parenting allows you to scar a child emotionally like that? And who will come to protect a helpless child from the atrocities of their own parents?

The Summer of our US trip & more -Part 2

( I am typing this out on my brand new iPad keyboard [white], newly purchased from NY. Oh the joys of typing…)

Post a brief reunion with didi and jeeju, I set about [with much anxiety] for ATlanta, where our team summit was planned. That flight from Tampa to Atlanta, must have been the worst flight of my life. I got a seat right next to the washroom on the last row of the plane. Throughout the plane ride, the washroom stank. I don’t recall a moment in recent times where i have felt so compromised and wretched. Through that flight of an hour & more I promised myself that never in my life will I allow myself to experience something like this again. 

Atlanta was good, and I had great fun meeting my team there. The long travels from India to Orlando, then Tampa to Atlanta had left me quite disoriented though. Nevertheless, I powered through it to make the most of the experience.

The real madness of the trip began once I returned from ATlanta, to be reunited with Nikhil & Nyra. The shopping missions that we embarked on, left us with a hole in a pocket but a sense of wonder at our own capacity to shop. Nikhil & Nyra were the surprise package- Nikhil shopping like never seen before & Nyra my doll helping mama and masi with makeup and perfume shopping. 

The last of the strip was a stop over in Manhattan. NY was a shock to our senses. It was everything that I had not expected. It was smelly, dirty, busy and overwhelming. Hanging out with Harsh became the highlight of the NY trip.

In all we concluded Nyra and my first US trip with a lot of fanfare and a while in the pocket. 

The summer of our US trip & more - Part 1

 Over the last 2 years, there were many holidays planned and unceremoniously shelved at the last min, for all plausible reasons- finances, work pressure, or lack of alignment with Nikhil.

But how we surprised ourselves this year by going over and beyond and travelling not to any lame country in Asia but all the way to the Americas! It worked out in a way that a) I was desperate for a leave post the recent audits at work, b) RG’s invitation to travel for a Summit c) the US Visa being conquered, one felt there was a need to brandish it.

And on that note on 14th June, Nikhil, Nyra and I set about on our travels to America. True to my own style, I didn’t start with the packing till 4 pm of the date of the travel, and then realised with a sinking heart that we would need to add another big suitcase to our travel kit. From the sight of it, you could safely presume that I was packing to move to the US, leave along for only 2 weeks. I had packed for all seasons and all occasions [work, casual, ethnic, super ethnic, super casual], you name it! After furious discussions and even more furious weighing of luggage, we set about for the airport and onwards to US.

There were butterflies in our tummies, but that paled in comparison to the excitement that Nyra showed- she entered the Virgin Atlantic plain claiming it was the best day of her life. that energy level tat 3 am in the morning was something. The photo below says it all :-)

After a super mad rush at Heathrow, where a hop over of 40 mins required a100 m Olympian racing skills, and where Nikhil learnt a rude lesson in female handbag packing [no matter how thoroughly you check them, there are always some stray liquid bottles hidden in random pockets of the bag], we made it to our connecting flight in (delayed) style. As we flew over the continents, a new sense of anticipation set in. I hadn’t met Didi and her family for 8 years. I was anxious what to expect and how Nyra would settle in. We were received so warmly by Jeetu & Yana that all feelings of anxiety disappeared in secs. The ride from Orlando to Tampa tingled all my sensations, the lush landscapes, the beautiful lakes filled me with a sense of calm and appreciation for being close to nature. 

Finally meeting didi, Yahoo and seeing the beautiful like they have created for themselves so many thousands of miles away from India, made me realise how much courage & strength it may have taken for them to get this far.

(The girls on the Clearwater Beach)

The World is Waiting to be touched by your Unique Light, Nyra!!!

 My darling baby Nyra graduated from primary school last week. Time flies so fast!! Feels like it was just yesterday when she started school. 

Through these two years Nyra and I learnt so many new things together, most important of which was a lesson in processing our emotions. Nyra was so brave and embraced every challenge beautifully. I still remember how we had to work with her Base group teacher to identify her writing hand. Nyra being ambidextrous is capable of writing and colouring with both hands. But we had to consciously work with her to identify her dominant hand. 

In two years my baby grew from feeling different and feeling lonely in class to finding good friends as she graduates from primary school. There was a time when my baby felt really sad that she did not have good friends, (in school & society) many times I have chanted for her to have a break through in this (and I continue to chant for it) Today I am surprised to see how social she has become. We are now going to focus on ensuring healthy boundaries in friendships, which has become important for us to address given her ups & downs with Gurbani.  

Primary school was a revelation for us - Nyra surprised herself and us by her talent for colours and art. 

I hope my darling baby will continue to colour the world in the most beautiful hues and giving us a peek into her most amazing & kind self !! 

Nyra’s graduation card from Gunika Ma’am 

New Year, Same (New) Me

Happy 3rd month into 2024! 

Its amazing how every new year comes with a dash of hope- that things maybe different, or life may get  better - but all such disillusions are dashed swiftly within the first quarter, if not the first month! 

After the year we had last year, I honestly didn’t think that there could be a lower bar for rock bottom, and yet we see there is one actually!! 2024 has been super crazy from the start.

Even so, my big determination for the year has been to push myself like never before, to challenge myself like never before, to test my mettle and forge it! Oh but the journey of getting there is so difficult! I m in pain spiritually, emotionally & physically- is it the path of creative destruction? 

Earlier in Feb I created a structure for myself for a daily list of things I must ensure I complete, to help myself on this journey of forging:- 

Chanting  

Gosho study 

Breathing exercises 

Walk or workout 

Water intake 

Reading 

Diet 

This list keeps changing, based on my awareness of self & need of the hour. 

In a short time of one month I have def seen & felt tremendous benefit, nevermind the pain I feel . But I am also aware of how easy it is for me to get derailed from my identified structure on some days, specially when I am exhausted or have too many things going on my mind or when my mind, body & soul are not in sync  

Today I am reminding myself again, of the Samurai warrior within me, of the power & wisdom of my body and the limitless potential I have the ability to tap into. 

By posting it here, I hope to make myself more accountable towards my life goals- including my longest cherished goal of losing weight!  

Will keep going 💪🏻

2023-you were so giving!

 Not sure if this is a common feeling or just unique to me, time is flying so fast! I feel like Nyra was born just yesterday and we already celebrated my doll’s 5th bday this year. We had a princess theme bday, an elaborate event at the Palms club. 

This year I have been blown away by the conversations that Nyra & I have been having- her gentle heart, loving & forgiving spirit and the pristine beauty is something that I, as the maker of the product, is most bowled over by! What a joy it’s been to chat with her specially during our morning & afternoon school runs! 

Don’t miss the princess look and vibe [&poses]. She is every bit it and some more. But what made mama’s day on her bday was her telling me end of the day that her bday party was even better than she had ever imagined! Mamas heart melted, i tell you.

If Nyra was a revelation this year, then so was work. What a year I have had. Nothing could have prepared me for the kind of year this turned out to be. I literally walked into the eye of a storm starting January this year. And thru it all, I am so proud that I held myself together, sometimes surprising even myself. I didn’t think I had this in me. The power of my gut was the most important revelation I had about myself this year. I don’t run from a fight!

The other revelation, though not a happy one, was that relationships come with baggage. Sometimes, one is happy to carry the baggage and sometimes it may be too much. The closer the relationship the more baggage it comes with. This year, I feel I had my fill of it and want no more. If its not making me happy then I will not devote my energy to it, period. 

How can any post be complete without a mention of my continued tryst with weight loss. Not sure if there is a theme more recurring than this. In 2023 I could finally find answers to what had led to the weight gain, PCOS, however, finding answer is not necessarily the end of it. I presumed that once my meds would start then Bam! I would be back to being myself. But well that was wishful thinking. So now i am on another new diet and struggling with not just physical appearance but physical health too. In 2024, i need this to change, if there was ever a cry for help then this is it!

2023, you made me a better mother, and a better professional; you have been kind with love of family, friends and peers. In 2024, i want to take all of this to the next level, reveal that fearless me ready to go into unchartered territories and to enjoy the ride!

Ciao 2023, you were so fun!

My summer reading list

 While its common to hear of writer’s block, not sure if any one faces a readers’ block. In the ups and downs of life i often go thru phrases of reader’s block, and at best i am able to pick one or two book over a month. However, this summer [post made june] that changed, and how!

Books I read this summer [*missing, Lessons in Chemistry] 

By far this has been my most successful season of reading. Unfortunately, it had to come to an end at some point. I guess one reason for it is also because I haven’t found another good book to sink my teeth in. The hunt is on though. 

Amongst the summer reads, the one that I enjoyed the most would be Lessons in Chemistry . It had all the masala of a good read- drama, feminist woes, etc

But thee one that shocked me[rather spooked] was def Verity! What a find it turned out to be. That’s one unputdownable book. In terms of drama, i also loved The shadow lines and Independence. 

I am glad i laboured through ‘the Forty Rules of Love’ else I would have walked the earth not knowing the beauty of Rumi, what a tragedy that would be. 

Now i hope to broaden my reading sphere to pick some non fiction, and topical books. These are more laborious in nature, and not as fun. Be that as it may, reading has been my source of gaining knowledge and it’s about time i expanded the sphere. Fiction will always be my first love, but about time to spread this love!

The Patna Magic.

The summer of 2023 was supposed to be the magical one. Nikhil and I along with Aman & Sanju, had planned to make the most awaited Europe trip this summer. Oh how we planned and searched and dreamed about the most suitable route to take, the cities to cover, the flight options , the hotel stay. One particular Sunday evening, the four of us met at MGF mall Barista to go over Europe plans, even tolerating bad coffee for the sake of the larger mission.

Cut to June 2023, there was no further word on the holiday plans.  Absolute silence. I could see that my most cherished plans of taking time off post 16th June ( submission of key reports to RBI) were pretty much going to be reduced to some days off in Gurgaon, plonked in front of the TV.

So I did the next practical thing that I could think of  I booked tickets for Nyra, Nyra’s maid (B) and myself to travel to Patna for a 2 week stay!! Honestly I don’t know how I planned this but I knew I wanted to be physically away from Gurgaon  

My time in Patna from childhood has always been so painful that I often wondered would I ever come back here oft my own choice! And here I was doing exactly that! 

Everything aside (someday I may have the courage to share more ) the magic of Patna for me has been that it’s like coming back to my source code- the most unadulterated side of me. Patna is a package deal- the less good, more bad and even more ugly. Nevertheless, returning to it, willingly or not, always helped me to align my thoughts and intent- and to physically and emotionally will a future for myself, one that is successful and happy [the antithesis of how i mostly feel in Patna]. For the longest time and all through my growing up years, the strongest feeling I had in Patna was that of wanting to get out, at any cost. With marriage and motherhood, that yearning to get out is no longer there [maybe i did get out], but that raw feeling of wanting to create a future for myself is still there. 

I spent my days in Patna mulling over what this future for me should look like- a new role at work, or something more. While that clarity still evaded me, I did have an aha moment when hours of self reflection brought me to the realisation that my purpose in life is to Thrive! I feel this in every cell in my body. I can’t just exist- i need to thrive, no less.

There was this beautiful moment when i wanted to do more with ‘thrive’, write a book, start a blog, start a business- anything and everything seemed possible. Indeed when I am thriving success is just a byproduct. 

And that’s the Patna magic! Having a clarity of my purpose is like embracing a missing [&lost] part of me, and feeling whole again.

with Veer

                                                         WithTvisha 

Outside Disneyland, yes, in Patna 

En route to Patna with Nai Nai and B

Guilt Trip

 My dearest Nyra, 

Today I travelled to mumbai for work, and you are with your dad in Gurgaon. While I come back tomorrow, the guilt of missing time with you is playing on my mind. It got worse when you started crying as I was packing. 

I hope by the time you grow up, it will be normal for mothers to be working
too. I sincerely believe that women are super achievers and they can do anything, rise up from any adversity. It is just as normal for a woman to have professional ambitions as for a man. Likewise, it should be normal for men to be homemakers if they want to. 

But I tell you, no matter how much we normalise working for women, the guilt of time spent away from our children will never dissipate for women. It’s in our DNA, in the way women are wired. At this moment I know you are well taken care of. You have your didi’s with you as well as your daddy; you are in a safe space. Maybe what we feel is really a deep yearning to feel/see our children around us, the comfort that it brings to us. Even if you and I are not doing anything together, just the knowledge that you are around me, makes me feel content. 

Quoting from Mumbai - a child gives birth to a mother. 

This trip will end tomorrow but the guilt trip never ends! 

Turning 40

 Yeah this happened, this 7th April. 

Turning 40 hits you harder than you expect. Atleast so was in my case. I was kicked to turn 30, feeling super matured and wanting to leave my fumbling 20 something behind. Turning 40 depressed me 😪

It was like a blow to the gut, so many dreams still unaccomplished, still feeling unfulfilled, upset with my physical appearance, where to go from here blah blah! And if my own emotional hang ups at turning 40 were not enough, my husband decided that I should be celebrating this milestone with the whole of his family (all my inlaws) in Goa! 

From the girl who partied every weekend in my 20s, I became the woman who celebrated her 40th bday by cutting her cake in track pants in a swimming pool with all my in-laws around me.! I felt like I had been hijacked. The heart only wanted to celebrate this occasion with my sisters and brother,drinking, reminiscing and celebrating some of the wins - Nyra, Google etc. 

I miss my carefree younger self. Not that she was perfect- seeking validation always. But she was so sassy! I am sad that that side if my life got toned down.

A 40th bday wish- give me my confidence of today with the sassy-ness of my younger self- & of course in my body of 20 something. [even 30 something will do]. 

Jokes apart, this birthday has left me craving to fulfil some long cherished dreams. I am not one to be satisfied with professional success alone. The next phase of my life need to be explored.

I am not done yet, i have a long way to go….

Back to the grind- 2023

 Time flies and how! 

From my post back in 2020 on loving myself to today (May, 2023), while the world has emerged from the grips of coronavirus, and life has moved on in a big way, I am still swaying between weight gain, diets and exercise. 

The bigger struggle is between self loving and self loathing! I managed to lose good amount of weight back in 2020 for a while, practicing suryanamaskar everyday. But in a short period of time, my unhealthy relationship with food has brought me back to same weight that I was with a baby in tummy, in 2018. And this time minus a baby.  

It would be so simple if Food was my nemesis! But the enemy is within, the behaviour that seeks comfort in food, the same behaviour that gave me a let out in moments of despair, without letting me breakdown completely. My frenemy! 

I am back to the grind of challenging myself, to break thru this weight gain. Started with Suryanamaskar once again, challenging myself to practice daily. While the mind builds fanciful pictures of doing 108 surya Namaskar everyday, the poor body is struggling to do a number upward of 20.  

But one ain’t stopping at just this - plan is to couple this with strength training at the gym 2-3 times a week, under the guidance of Sameer (whose 13 is thurrreeen)! 

And just today I have had the inspiration to also add 10k steps to my goals of daily yoga, weekly strength training  

This should be fun.  I am not one to run away from a fight  let’s bring it on! Full force of PP

The Myth of Happy Ever-After

The curse of Social Media is that it puts an unnecessary and unjustified stress on people to portray the picture of a perfect everything - Perfect life, Perfect Marriage, Perfect Hair, Perfect skin/makeup, homes and what have you.
But life is noT perfect and was not meant to be so. Perfect is a make believe of the Insta-world.
I pity the 20-something’s who have fallen into this trap, not knowing better.

In line with the above thought, I confess that I never expected my marriage to be perfect. As with every young girl, I had day- dreamed of my perfect wedding and married life with a devoted and loving husband. But day-dreams and make beliefs are far from the harsh realities of life. I truly and honestly confess that I never thought my married life would be so difficult.

My husband and I come from different backgrounds- chalk and cheese. Ours is still a young marriage- 8 years in the making and a baby to show for it. I had resisted the idea of marriage for a long time. Primarily because I didn’t find anyone who had the same vision for life as I did. And also because I had zero tolerance for the societal farce of “In laws’ expectations”  I was always clear that the person I would marry would have to accept me

When I met my husband I truly and honestly felt that I wanted to share my life with him. We were both working for the same organisation in Mumbai. Life was chill (this was the ‘Siffin solah’phase)   I genuinely liked spending time with him and looked forward to meeting him eagerly. I respected the fact that he was a self made man and very aggressive about his future. 

Our entire courtship of six months or so was actually simple and free of melodrama. The only glitch that time being that I was under treatment for abdominal coax. 

Before I realised, I found myself caught in the same family drama that I had long hoped to avoid. In-laws expectations, husband’s expectations, motherhood expectations! 

The aftermath of married life is telling, no matter with how much love you start the journey. 

Loving thy self

I had mentioned how I turned to food to see me thru some of the tough days of pregnancy. Well it did have its consequences, and not a charming one at that too. By the end of my pregnancy, I was a not so humble XXL in size. All that food had to show somewhere. In my head I thought I would be BreastFeeding my baby extensively so I am sure this fat will melt. Also somehow the societal benchmark of a new mother is quite harsh- the likes of Kareena Kapoor who bounce back to their slim size post delivery really doesn’t do any good to lay women like me. No matter what I did, in terms of exercising as diet wasn’t a possibility for me back then, would show on me. Some days I would walk 3-4 kms in the mornings hoping the weighing scale would move but nope, not a tad bit.
Also it didn’t help that I had a voracious appetite after each BreastFeeding session.

My journey of accepting this body size has not been easy. Criticism has come from every corner, including home corners. Quite often I was made to feel like “ what have you done”? And I couldn’t understand what had I done actually. I started feeling guilty about eating, but then that meant poor milk supply from me for my baby. This poor self image further aggravated my feelings of post partum depression. I remember, not so long ago, there was a time when wanting to find some solace in retail therapy, I went to one of the popular malls in Gurgaon- I was shocked to see the look of disdain and judgement I received from some of the sales women in the stores there. I nearly broke down when one of the sales girls told me to stick to stores that cater to plus size clothing only- “ Madam aap kya fashionable baneingi”   I was appalled that they were allowed to speak with customers like that. While I asked her to mind her own business, in my own mind her voice became loud enough to actually stop me from entering some trendy stores for next few months.

While for me living with this size has been a remotely new experience, I am surprised to see how much we scar people to loathe their own body. With sufficient lapse of time post pregnancy, I can see the swellings in my body coming down now. I feel more normal, I am able to bend down to pick Nyra, I am able to pick her and walk a certain distance, I am able to play with her. I have sought the help of some diets to knock of weight, which has really left me feelings lighter by few kgs. Having seen the quality of life I could gain with just losing some 8-10 kgs, I feel that I want to focus harder on getting fit. I want to get Fit so I have a disease free life, I want to get fit so I can play and run with Nyra, I want to be fit so my baby does not have to carry the burden of a sick parent, I want to be fit so I can have another baby....... the reasons are so compelling. I want to keep reminding g myself that the life I will gain by losing the excess weight is going to be every bit worth the sacrifice of a few pieces of cakes, chocolates, and some yummy food. The taste of the food will be long forgotten but the consequences of it will be real.

I hope to start off with a new diet in the year 2020, hope to start of with Suryanamaskar (which I have been secretly following) and to start off with some running.
Till a few months ago, my reasons for losing weight were different, maybe to fit into better clothes and to look Hot. But I am so glad that I have gained the right perspective. I am so thankful to this body I have that has helped me bear a child and to nurse her even today. Every bit of my body is worth loving, no matter what some detractors may say. 

Mommyhood Part 3

No amount of text on Mommyhood can ever be complete without a note on PPD- Post Partum depression. Yes, it’s as real as real can get. I didn’t feel exceptionally elated during my pregnancy, so I wondered if my post partum had maybe begun pre partum ( believe you me sometimes I feel that destiny has singled me out for all exceptional experiences ). But lo behold, I wasnt even remotely prepared for PPD when it hit me. It started with the sleep wariness and fatigue, and gradually took over all aspect of my charming personality. There were moments when I would break down inconsolably not knowing why, and then moments when I would be raging with anger- again not knowing why. I can imagine what a blast I must have been to live with. Kudos to my husband for putting up with me.

Then again becoming parents takes a huge toll on a couple’s relationship. Like I mentioned above, for the mother post partum depression is real,  which the world has today acknowledged and accepted. I wonder if there is a PPD equivalent for new fathers. It must be awfully painful to be going thru something of this nature and not being able to voice- because hey, the world has already accepted that the mother is going to be depressed, and that a new born baby is going to be handful. So really we have not allowed new fathers to even feel that depression, after all the house needs atleast one functional brain. So new fathers, unfortunately would need to Man up!!

The other big change of becoming a mother was also about adjusting with the help we could find. since we stay in a nuclear set up and because my mom in law passed away last year, we have had to find some alternative methods of getting help.  After much cajoling, begging and emotional blackmailing of family, we decided that maybe it would be best to get paid help. So we were quick to read reviews on line and connect with some agencies. I had informal chats with quite a few ladies who were ‘jhapas’ specialising in post delivery care of mother and in handling new born. What we were absolutely not prepared for was the baggage that comes with outside help. Many a time’s we felt like we were walking on egg shells around them. God forbid we erred, we would be left without the precious help for days together.

Becoming a mother is a great balancing act, you feel like you are walking on a tight rope everyday. Every mother, each set of parents have to decide for themselves what works best for them. Oh there have been days when I have super envied stay at home moms. And then there have been days when I have been hugely grateful for having the opportunity to use my skills professionally. Each one of us has to decided what works best for us and make our eternal peace with it. Having said that, me time, I figured, is priceless. Sometimes just watching an episode of Honeland left me feeling good and picked me up enough to hit mommy duties a fresh. Sometimes when we are challenged with everything, it’s the simple pleasures of life that really pleases the soul. A walk in the park, just lying in the sun, reading a book, doing my nails, or even wearing make up some days could leave me feeling elated. That’s the beauty of life I keep forgetting.

Mommyhood Part 2

It's Diwali 2019, almost the end of October. This has been a special month as we celebrated baby Nyra's first bday, Dusshera and Diwali all in one month- it's been exhausting. So celebrations have been on since start of October.
As I reached this milestone of one year, I honestly wanted to pat my back for having sailed thru this far. While in the previous blog I had written about the challenge of changing one's inherent wiring to become a mother, the second and more difficult (read-only exhausting) phase is the initial few months. I am sure there must be a whole host of women sharing their experience of sleepless nights with a young baby. There were sleepless nights even in my last trimester of pregnancy so I would often imagine how different would sleepless nights be with a baby. But boy, compared to this sleepless nights as a whale seemed like a walk in the park.
The first few days back from the hospital post delivery, I wouldn't even wake up when the baby cried. Honestly! Like I would hear a baby crying in my sleep and wonder whose baby is this, what is that sound, somebody shut it up etc etc till my help or my mom would wake me to nurse the baby. Thats exactly how my first two weeks were with the new baby.
To make matters worse, I had a very tough start with breastfeeding. You know those hoardings you see of women breastfeeding their child with a subtle blissful smile on their face-- that's a huge lie. Breastfeeding in today's time is a real struggle for most new mothers. I thought once the baby comes, breastfeeding would happen naturally. But that's really really far from what happened and what happens generally. I was fortunate enough to have a gynaecologist who let me latch my baby on the delivery bed itself. However, my initial struggle was that there was no or rather poor milk supply. And then when the milk started to flow, baby couldn't latch- so literally I had milk pockets collected all over my breasts- which hurt like crazy.
I had to seek the help of a lactation consultant on several occasions to start with breastfeeding. All I can say is that I really stuck to my guns of not giving up on breasfeeding.
My baby and I have now completed a year of breastfeeding and I feel that really has been the big hallmark of my motherhood. Quite often I Feel new mothers give up on breastfeeding even without giving it a genuine try, which is such a tragedy. I know bottle fed babies are cuter, chubbier etc etc, i am guilty of falling into that trap too. I would want my baby to atleast take 1-2 feed of top feed so she would gain weight-but yeah that didn't work. She hates bottles and formula. So I have been her mother dairy all throughout.
Enough on the nutrition of the baby. The next bit is on how new mothers need hides as even thick skin wont do. Everybody, from strangers in malls to country cousins make it a point to give us free advise on how to raise a baby. By far the randomest comment I got was when my baby was drooling and my sister in law commented that baby's drool is beacsue of lice in hsir- my baby was 3 months old that time! When babies go thru growth milestones which disturbs their sleeping pattern- everyone would tell me that itsbeacuse baby's tummy is not full- even though I had just finished an extended dream feed session. Thankfully as a mother o used my own judgement and upgraded my alreday- thick-skin to hides.

More to follow.......

And some of the sweetest memories from Nyra’s first

Mommyhood - Part 1

At the start let me put it as bluntly as possible that I have always had zero maternal instincts. Even when my in- laws were driving me up the wall about having a baby, I never could imagine myself with one. I have been around babies for sure, given that my brother Harsh and sis Shreya have been almost like babies to my sisters and I.  Then I have 3 nieces and one pretty naughty nephew. However, playing with babies and raising one are two different things entirely.

So even when I realised that I was expecting I had to really really prepare myself for what laid ahead. But the challenge was that even a lifetime could not prepare me for Mommyhood, or so I thought Plus during pregnancy one is so caught up with the milestone of each trimester that changing the way you are wired seems tad too much.

I had seen and heard my friends & my sisters getting totally pampered during their pregnancy. Needless to say I actually thought that’s how my pregnancy would be too. Unfortunately My pregnancy was a very depressed one for several reasons. Top being the loss of my mom in law. I had never experienced or seen death at such close quarters before in my life. The entire chain of events- from Mummyji struggling to breathe to me dressing her to take her to the doctor to seeing her pass away right infront of us to dressing her for the funeral- the entire episode still feels like it happened yesterday. It still disturbs me at so many levels. To witness all this in my third month of pregnancy seemed like a some sinister curse.  Needless to say the entire episode marred my pregnancy and somewhere I harboured a secret fear That something may happen to my baby. I was anxiety ridden, given to Panick and had little faith in my own self to see this thru.

Thankfully, I did see it thru- I grew and grew and grew! I can definitely admit that I sought solace in food. Eating for two became my excuse for indulging and over indulging (yes that’s possible). Everything that I had kept away from all my life suddenly became acceptable to eat as ‘the baby wanted to eat’! The flip side of all this was that I gradually grew from my Medium size of clothing to XL and then XXL and finally XXXL by the time I delivered. Did I not worry about the weight? Of course I did. But somewhere I presumed it would all go away post delivery.

Haha!! Now I am wondering how could I have been so foolish  i am eights months postpartum and have not lost even one kg of weight. I still carry every bit of the 20 kgs of weight o put on during pregnancy. I have stopped looking at myself in the mirrors now or even if I look I see thru. It’s depressing to see myself like this. I don’t identify with this person I have become.... and that my friend, is really how i feel inside out. Not just in respect to my changing physiology, but also in terms of the person I am becoming- I don’t identify with this person. Women have to make drastic adjustments in their life and lifestyle once they become mothers. While you ate mentally preparing yourself to make the change, if your pregnancy experience has been anything like mine then trust me no amount of preparation would be enough to get you ready for motherhood!

To be continued.......

Far too long!

Hello there!
It’s been ages since I posted anything. Honestly the post marriage bliss (short lived) and madness (continuous) made me lazy and forgetful. I guess it’s also a by product of feeling overly sluggish and sloth-y. What’s a fact is that no matter how sorted you may feel you are, marriage really throws you off your game. The degree of dispersion depends on how well you have kept yourself connected with your life as it was before marriage. In my case the fact that marriage made me move to a new city (Gurgaon) altogether made that difficult. In the first 2 years of our being together, I found myself relying on my husband for near about everything. All my outings- movie, coffee, drinks, shopping, window shopping would happen in the company of my husband only. Romantic!! It’s another matter that he was  my designated (read- only ) driver to drive me around for these outings.
At the time of posting this, it’s already nearing the first quarter of the year 2019. Nikhil and I have been married for over 3years now. It’s been a bumpy ride definitely ( I find it hard to believe anyone who makes marriage seem like a cake walk- it really isn’t) I think I can confidently claim that we have successfully had our share of fights over almost every issue under the sun. Some topics have been ridiculously inane. And then there are some topics that I don’t even remember after the fight is over and dust settled. For what it’s worth, I am happy that we have been so versatile in picking our fights. In terms of covering ground in 3 years of marriage-we have literally taken it seriously to the extent that we lived separately (Gurgaon - Mumbai for almost a year). This was of course for work only.

So here I am today, 3 years post marriage- still picking fights with Nikhil, in between carrying out mommy duties for our darling Persian cat- Buzz and our little bundle of joy-Nyra!! Oh yes she happened too! Life has smugly graduated me from a couldn’t-care chick to a hyperactive, super paranoid Mommy. More on Nyra and Mommyhood next time. 

Whole Lotta Love

so well, this post has been long due

In my last post i had shared about how 2015 was the year of health scare and some much needed wake up calls. And of course about meeting N :-)

if you are 30 & single, then most likely 3 things will happen to you- a) you will have become extremely cynical about love b) you will have become extremely desperate for love c) you will have become overtly cynical about love, while secretly pining for it. (disclaimer-exceptions applied)
with much embarrassment i confess that i belonged to the third group. oh how i frowned upon any idea of love, and yet that had been my most consistent prayer. if my thoughts on love were, well, confusing then my thoughts on marriage were the mother lode of it. to marry or not to marry was the big question! to add to the confusion, it wasnt really like i had hordes of suitors pursuing me. after meeting some suitors i swear i put off the idea of marriage to a great extent.

to cut a long story short, i met Nikhil at new year's eve in 2014. together we rung in the new year , without realizing that in that year we would end up getting hitched together. surprisingly marriage was the last thing on my mind when i met him- or even in the early few months of our courtship. it started with just having the comfort of reaching out to someone with even the most banal thought in mind. and just like that things were never the same again.
"love & marriage" are big words, seems like too much work- commitment, responsibility,passion, respect to name a few. a role u wld be signing up for- only to be paid in kind (mostly), and promotions in terms of motherhood, with the most sketchy profile and seriously long hours (including graveyard shifts), perks of having no life outside of it, literally & and a team member who comes as a collateral, with strict no exchange/return clause. No wonder its feared so much!
But the beauty of "love& marriage" lies in the basics of it (i realized that when i started sharing every stupid information with N), it lies in the comfort it brings with it- even in my current extremely F& U phase (fat and ugly), N makes me feel lovely. it lies in the promise of waking up every morning feeling loved. and before you know it, the cynicism you had so painstakingly nurtured abandons you, only to be replaced by the much despised mush.
did love "save my soul" clearly no (not sure if there was any saving required), but it definitely set me free (sorry for the cliche)

ps:- "love & marriage" to be read as love and/or marriage.