Happy 6th Nyra Baby

 Today’s the day! Nyra grown so fast. It feels like yesterday when I held her in my arms and struggled thru the challenges of motherhood, nursing, balancing work and motherhood etc etc. 

As i see my little baby grow, and the kind & loving human being she is growing into, i feel blessed. A part of me also wants to hide her from the world, to save her from the pain, despair, heartache that the world unsparingly bestows on us through the journey of life. 

As i look back at the last 6 years, i see some constant themes emerging. The first is my fear that I may turn out to be a mother like my mother. Like in my weak moment, my reactions may clone that of my mother - gaslighting, ignoring, angry, arrogant, cursing, hitting, there is no end to it. 

This fear is deeply ingrained in me. I feel it’s like a monster hiding in me and may show up at the most unexpected moment. Can i ever get rid of this monster? There are moments when I feel like I have left it far behind me, and then there are moments when i am caught off guard by its haunting presence. How do i protect my daughter from this experience that i have carried with me all my life?

I am also struggling to forgive my husband for his lack of support thru my pregnancy and Nyra’s early years. Did I expect something miraculous from him, def no. But i expected him to be a partner, to share the journey, to share the burden, to be stronger for me when I didn’t have it in me to be strong. The lack of support from him, makes me resent him so much today. the thing is i pretty much gave up on expecting him to support me with his family, but I did expect that he would be a partner with me in bringing together our family. This is not a let down, it’s a betrayal of trust. Today as I hit my early forties, my chances of having.a second baby look slim with each passing day. I yearn to be a mother again, to hold a little bundle of joy. But.i don’t want the experience i had with Nyra with my husband. I don’t have the courage to go thru it all alone again. 

the most prominent theme is that of the love i have received from Nyra and how she helped me change as a person. My little baby has been mending my broken heart without even knowing it. I have so much gratitude for her, and to her for being the fabulous little human being that she is. Watching her grow, watching her experience life, watching her experience joys & sorrows and frustrations - has helped me relearn my own outlook towards life. So often I find myself looking at me from her eyes- mama you are watching too much kdrama, mama you are not meeting with friends, mama you are not chanting, mama you are being lazy, mama you are only working. 

As I stitch these pieces of my experiences together, here is looking ahead to- believing that I am and will be a better mother than my own mother. I will create my own rule book and play book of what motherhood means for me. Nikhil’s lack of support for me & Nyra is on him, that’s the karma he has created. I can be strong enough for both Nyra & me, I don’t need to depend on anyone for the two of us. I will live my years with Nyra, laughing & loving deeply, like never before. 

Happy birthday my love, you are my heart, my soul, my pride, my tribe ❤

Life does not owe us love

 Possibly the hardest truth that I am coming to terms with, as I age, is that Life does not owe us love!.

There is no guarantee of love for anyone at any age. Husband & wife may not love each other, parents may not love their child, siblings may not have love for each other. When you discount for the constants [closest relations], the love from variables like friends & boyfriends will always be compensatory & momentary in some form but not foundational. 

Love had been a fleeting concept for my parents- both aspects of it i.e love for each other or love for their children [this too is discriminatory between daughters & son]. Blame it on the fixation of parents in the 80s and 90s, showing love to own children was contrary to even social norms. For parents, the closest substitute for love is care- and may parents did care a lot. They cared that I should be topping my class & no other rank was acceptable, they cared that I should further their social image thru my achievements, they cared that I should be able to achieve stellar academic performance without having to take tuitions, they cared that the objective of my education was to ensure that I cleared Civil Services. They definitely cared heaps. They just didn’t care about how any of this was making me feel. 

For a big part of my life, i have tried to ignore this void in me. Did this make me emotionally stunted?- it was not possible to have experienced that kind of childhood and not see an impact of it. Growing up, I became an introvert, I couldn’t make close friends as I had serious trust issues. I also pushed myself in a crazy way to do multiple stuff -academics, debates, Quiz, riding what not- with the hope that maybe this will make my parents happy and make them love me. The mind of a teenager is naive right. When I didn’t do well in the tenth exam and saw their behaviour change towards me [they said I had gotten arrogant and that led to my downfall], I didn’t care after that whether I was doing well or falling behind anymore. I found myself sinking into a big hole I couldn’t find a reason to push myself anymore, and no the myth of parents love & my share of it,  had been busted.

Foolishly I presumed that when I would meet my life partner, this void would naturally be filled. I expected toe curling love, and a deep connection that would make me feel like I belonged with someone. It needs some level of discerning to know a myth from reality. 

Ten years into married life, and it’s safe to say that this void has swallowed me whole. For all his declarations of love, my husband couldn’t spare even the day of our wedding & wedding night to hit this point home. And just like that, that night became the foundation of my marriage. Marriage is genuinely the most transactional relationship. there is little room for love there. In marriage love is commonly substituted with trust & respect. I have not experienced spousal trust even thru some of the most difficult moments for me. And I def have zero trust in my husband that he will support me in conflicts with his family. 10 years of marriage enriches you with enough examples and hard hitting experiences to remove the tint from the tinted glasses. 

My mom took care of sibling love too. She ensured that we siblings have zero trust in each other. She played nasty games of pitting one against another, to the point that we have grown up with strong sense of hatred, unhealthy sibling rivalry and distrust between us.

How’s it that when love is such an integral part of life, I am still waiting & yearning to experience it? I presumed that I should be loved - not by the world, but at least by parents, siblings, husband. But nobody really owes love to another. 

The love that touched my heart & soul finally was from Nyra. Sometimes her love is like a shower, at other times like an oasis and then again like the warm sun of winter, making me want to bask in it. I have cried with her and laughed with her. I have felt myself in her and felt her in me. It’s such a free love.

While my life being devoid of love [except Nyra] may be my karma for the lifetime, the only choice I have then is to fill this void with other stuff that my life has given me in abundance- kindness & compassion for others, and success in all forms and some serious talents. 

The world does not owe me love, clearly, but I def owe it to myself.